nat tan

i'll follow you flightless bird

2012-02-06T01:24:00.000+08:00

my love affair with the twilight series started when i first read the books. i bought the first book on a whim. read the back cover and was intrigued by the storyline. i must have swallowed it in one sitting because i was hooked and got round to buying the other three books in one swoop.

which was very bad for me. i started reading the series right around the time of my exams. this was back in my second year. oh boy did the books screw me over. i suffered, grade-wise thanks to my reading of the book and not enough of my textbook!

but that's water under the bridge now.

i can still remember the first time i watched twilight the movie. i was in the states then but i didn't catch the movie till almost the end of its run in the cinemas. it was literally empty save for the bunch of us but i could have imagined the throngs of girls screaming for edward/rob pattison as my friend regaled me with stories of opening night.

fast forward 4 years now and i've just finished watching breaking dawn part 1.

the twilight series is kind of a love-hate one for me. i gobbled the books up when i first read it but try for the second time? i could not for the life me turn the pages! it was horrible and that's maybe because i had let 'bad' reviews infiltrate my mind. even the movie was like a sore pain in my ass. the second movie was a huge improvement cinematographically and budget-wise and what a huge difference it was but the acting was horrendous! i'll take it in the first time but the second time? i want to take out the torn that's sticking in my thumb.

but i'm going to have to say that i quite liked the fourth film. yes, it's a lil slower than the others but the actors weren't so annoying this time round. kirsten stewart's characterisation of bella was much bearable in this chapter and taylor lautner's jacob and his bothersome/tiresome love from a not-very-far distance wasn't as annoying. i guess this has to happen seeing as they've been acting this part for 4 years now and spoiler alert wtf he has imprinted on a baby. half vampire-half human baby, seriously stephanie meyer?!

i thought that there would be more juice in the lovemaking scene but i guess there are 12 year olds watching this movie too so they had what they had. i guess the book had more action going on for it or at least that was how i remembered it. might just read the book again to find out what happens next.

despite some of my criticisms of the movies, i actually look forward to watching them. i'm a total fangirl really, just don't make me say it out loud. i also look forward to listening to the soundtrack every time the films come out.

i'm probably going to miss the anticipation of watching the latest twilight film once it ends this year. just like the harry potter films. but i've got the next series to keep me going; the hunger games.

i think i read all 3 books within a week. i even had to finish the last book on my flight to shanghai! i couldn't not finish it and wait the 3 months to come home to read it.

clearly i haven't left my youth seeing as i'm still actively reading YA novels.

roll

2012-01-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

i first heard gotye's somebody i used to know while driving my mother to go look for outdoor furnitures. the opening beats of the song, according to my mother and in her words; hypnotic. i totally disagreed with her and was like wtf. there are hypnotic sounds and there are hypnotic sounds. this wasn't the case. at. all. super catchy beats lor!

save to say this song is now playing on repeat.

and i'm checking out the cover versions as well.

can't believe i haven't heard this song before till a couple of weeks ago! it came out last year for crying out loud! i pride myself in knowing the latest songs but sadly, i don't listen to enough radio anymore. some of the songs that i hear on the radio are like cats claws scratching the walls.

and maybe it's because i listen to lite.fm a lot because my mother blasts it in the house, i'm getting familiarized with music from the 80s. hello, gypsy kings!

year of the dragon

2012-01-25T01:35:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

didn't want to miss the boat and not spread the festive love around. it's now day three of the new year! it's definitely going to be a good year, be it in the western calendar or the chinese calendar although i'm pretty sure it being the year of the dragon helps too ;p

reunion dinner was major awes-yum! my mother is a superstar, managing to cook 8 dishes that night!

fireworks was in abundance on new year's eve too that some started blasting their firecrackers at 2 in the morning! +___+ my mother says it cause they're inviting the god of prosperity (?) into their home. chinese culture is very fascinating and interesting but sometimes, it just boggles the mind the kinds of things that needs to be done in the name of tradition!

this week is pretty jam packed with dinners and visitations. just the right kind of busy, if you ask me!

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!!!

the world as i see it

2012-01-12T21:13:00.002+08:00

somebody once told me that jason mraz must be high when he writes. not that i'm implying this particular song is weirdly worded. in fact, it's just the opposite! i'm not in love or anything crazy like that. heard this on the radio, whipped out my shazam app and youtube-d it immediately. oh mr mraz, when are you going to serenade us with your poetic words?

was running on the treadmill for the first time this year yesterday and it got me thinking. you see, i was prepared to only run for about 10 minutes (my excuse? cause i didn't want to exert myself. fuckin' lame is what it is and just plain lazy) but as i was running, i increased it to another 5 minutes. when 5 minutes came and went, i added another till i was running for 30 minutes. the recommended training time. i did it!

this kind of reflects life, doesn't it? we start something like say a new job and the first few weeks will be easy peasy just like the first 5 minutes on the treadmill. you start off slow and easy. then the toughest part comes, that first incline and the faster speed gets thrown in. that new job is slowly becoming a routine and tough one at that as more responsibilities get thrown into the mix. this is probably the time where questions of life enter; what am i doing here? is this going to be the rest of my life? i can't live like this anymore! and you get the drill. you start looking for escape routes. you start setting up time frames.

as you are running, you see that you're almost at the 10 minute mark but just as you've touched it, you realize that you can go on for another 5-10 minutes and you start pushing yourself further. same like work. just as you think that enough is enough, the hardest part comes to past and you say i can stay for a while more.

and that's life. we push further. we either up and quit right after and move on to something else or we hang in there and see that all that hard work pays off eventually and for some, it will most definitely pay off. there really isn't a right answer. it's what we want.

what do i want?

to keep running on that treadmill till i hit my target (by years end, i will lose them kilograms!!! RAH RAH RAH!) or find an alternative way to lose them (diets?! self-control needs to be obtained +__+ which i'm lacking very much of but am actually slowly practicing teehee)

my china/christmas weight is off the roof and i'm totally freaking out every time i weigh myself :( and then i get really depressed. sigh.

now with new years in another week or so, it's just going to be eat, eat, eat and more eat! all those dinners and cookies, self-restraint will be put to the ultimate test.

God give me strength.

hello 2012!

2012-01-01T21:00:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year, guys!

this will be the month where writing the date will require some getting used to. it's finally here, 2012! it's been an eventful 2011 but i'm definitely looking forward to new adventures and challenges this new year brings.

i was working crazy lots in 2011 what with me switching gears career-wise which lead to my career-crisis mid-year. not the highlight of my year but i wouldn't change any of it. it was a learning curve in terms of me realizing what i wanted out of my life. i'm thinking this year there'll be more realizations and explorations on my horizon. i think i've said it before in previous posts but i'll say it again; 2012 is going to be a good year. i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes.

i'm probably setting myself up to be judged but who the fuck cares? i'm only young once. if i live my life trying to fit myself into a mold, i'll become less of a woman wtf.

i didn't really make any new year's resolution except for one which sits highly at the top of my list (not really a list if there's only one item on it):

losing weight.

everyone probably has a similar resolution on their list but for me, imma make this happen! i will eat healthily and do exercises although i'm still considering bootcamp (it's too hardcore for my liking!) that treadmill will not be a white elephant in the corner of the room, no no NO!

three cheers for the new year!

love you like a love song

2011-12-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

it's a day before new years eve!

and just for fun, i thought i'd share some tracks that i'm listening to right now.

i'm totally obsessed with this new song from taylor swift featuring the civil wars, safe and sound, taken from the hunger games soundtrack.

i've read all three books. i first bought book number one after reading recommendations and great reviews and once i started, i couldn't stop! immediately after finishing book one, i went to the bookstore to get the other two books! crazy or not?

this is fairly new on the web but it's gone viral! i've seen it all over facebook and twitter and how can it not when it features zooey deschanel and joseph gordon-levitt!

i was squealing when at the end of the video, joseph gordon-levitt gave that cute shrug and smile combo! aiyohhh...! i'm gonna go all cheeseballs and say i hope this two are together for reals cause they totally make a cute couple! plus, it's new year's eve ;)

florence + the machine finally, finally releases their second album, ceremonials and it's bloody amazing!

one of my favourites off the album. my mum listened to it and she says it's pretty good. of course, mother!

and for the title-sake, why not add in selena gomez's love you like a love song?

and i keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat!

a very merry christmas

2011-12-27T02:23:00.000+08:00

Christmas celebrations are officially over!

Loads of family time and catch-up times with friends and food, oh glorious, food! there's still leftovers (turkey sandwich for breakfast!) and great kodak moments.

my christmas tree!

christmas eve candlelight service with lips and rach.

christmas day in church!

christmas day celebration with our props!

boxing day!

hope you guys had a great christmas!

guide to shanghai part 2

2011-12-24T02:06:00.002+08:00

this isn't really a guide but more of an information regarding the visa. not your credit card but the visa for entry into a country. and by information, i mean personal experience.

i made the unfortunate mistake of applying for a 30-day visa when i could have applied for a 3-months or 6-months visa. i obviously did not know such a long validity visa was available because i was under the impression that i could apply for a student visa which was not an option for me because i was enrolled in a part-time course and not a full-time course. feedback from the admin person in the university advised me that i was able to apply for a business visa upon my arrival so hence my 30-day tourist visa.

ding dong bell later, a business visa was not advisable because it was really expensive and by expensive i mean it costs thousands of ringgit! so it was down to two viable options; leave the country and then re-enter again or i extend my visa.

no brainer. leave the country and go to hong kong!

i wish it were that easy. actually it would be that simple really but the cost just didn't justify the means. plane ticket, accommodation and general expenses would have amounted to a minimum of RMB2000 for a 3-day trip whilst a visa extension would only cost RMB650.

no brainer there!

just a little more information regarding visa extension (based on personal experience);

1. you can only extend up to a maximum of 2 times. 30-days for each extension.

2. it's a single entry visa so if you're planning to leave the country and return, make sure to get the relevant visa for your re-entry! i actually wanted to fly to hong kong to visit a friend but finding out that i had to apply for another visa? thanks but no thanks.

3. it only costs RMB160 to extend your visa. where does the RMB500 figure into the equation? chinese speaking agent. if your chinese language skills is zero to non-existent, you may want to hire an agent to help you with the visa extension process but honestly, it is really just bull because the second time i was there for my visa extension, i find out that the officers could actually speak english! at that point i was like fuck this shit but i had some hiccups along the way so i suppose it was RMB500 well spent wtf.

4. i think your visa agent comes in handy when you're going to the local police station to get your pink slip which is your accommodation slip. you only need to go to the police station if you're staying in a house i.e. friends place, relatives place etc. most hotels have the pink slip available so make sure to ask for it when you're checking-in. i'm saying this because i tried to get the pink slip from the police station since i was living with a friend but the policewoman who was attending to me could only speak chinese so that was one situation where i wish i had someone who was able to translate for me. long story short, i got myself the slip from a hotel instead.

5. passport size photo with a white background needed. i read through forums and various sites and was under the impression that i needed to have a 2x2 photo. well it was wrong information. don't discount information you find on forums though because most of the time, what you need to know can be found in the forums. if only i remembered what forums i've read so that i could share my experience for future references to other people in a similar situation. oh wells, that's was blogs are for, eh?

since this happened a couple of months ago, i think it's safe for me to share my experiences for the two times i extended my visa.

as i've mentioned above, i didn't get my pink slip from the local police station but from a hotel. i was absolutely lucky in my first visa extension process. i did it on a sunday. the bureau was open on a sunday because they had a one-week break courtesy of the china national week. there was no crowd on that day and i had a male officer attending to me. now, when you get a visa extension, obviously you're gonna be spending at least a week in wherever it is you're living in but because i was using the slip from a hotel, i only had one night checked-in! now this would be ringing alarm bells in the officers mind already but because it was a male officer and i'm a girl (this was what my visa agent told me), i got the green light for my extension!

this will make more sense after you've read about my second time extending my visa.

once again, i didn't register at the local police station because i was fortunate enough to know someone who was checking-in into a hotel so i had this friend get the pink slip for me. this one had 3 nights checked-in. i'm thinking, if i could go through easily for my slip with only one night on it, three nights would be an even smoother ride!

totally jinxed myself.

i had a lady officer attend to me and all hell broke lose. i was questioned a lot and even my visa agent tried to help but the officer was adamant. i needed to stay in the hotel for at least 7 days or no extension for me. her solution to the problem? go see her boss at counter 7.

boss on duty that day? lady boss.

she was no help either. i had to get a slip with a minimum of seven nights stated on it in order to be able to extend my visa. by then i was absolutely shittin' my pants. together with my visa agent, sophie, we brainstormed on ways where i could extend my visa. we decided on going to another bureau office the next day where i was told the officers weren't as strict when suddenly i asked sophie if we should give it another go because perhaps this time, i would get another officer and hopefully a male one at that, even better if it was the same officer for my first extension.

and so we took another number and waited in the furthest corner of the room, making sure the first two officers we met wouldn't spot us. ninja mode on wtf. i can honestly say i was fuckin' nervous at that point. imagination went overload thinking of all sorts of bad outcomes scenarios for all the rules i was breaking but God was definitely on my side because it was close to closing time thus we didn't need to wait for our numbers. we could just queue at any available counters. i made a mad dash to the male officer, the one who processed my extension the first time round.

damn unlucky because i had this bunch of foreigners in front of me and they were taking up loads of time. fuck this shit. and while waiting for my turn, i tried to hide my face from the lady officer who rejected my extension. my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty! i had to face the officer alone this time because my agent, sophie didn't want to risk getting spotted by the officers and thus ruin my chances. she's done this before and i'm thankful she was there for me at this crucial period of my life *insert grateful emoticon here*

ding dong bell, the bunch in front of me still weren't done yet and i was pushed to the next counter with a, you guessed it, lady officer!

die lah this time! sure kena one.

i played it cool, calm and collected and handed in my documents. inside, i was all nerves and butterflies.

30-days visa?

yes.

and that was it. she accepted my documents and handed me my receipt. if there's ever a time i can truly say that i was saved by the bell, this would be it! therefore my advice to you if you are ever in a similar situation as i, go there before closing time because chances are the officers won't bother you as much seeing as they want to leave already!

sophie tells me that i was really, really lucky the first time i extended my visa because it shouldn't be that easy what with my one night checked in stated in the pink slip. in fact, it should be that my second time be no problem what with it being 3 nights checked-in.

God is good to me.

i left the building literally feeling as light as air and with this feeling of nothing is impossible because PRAISE THE LORD, nothing is impossible when i do all things through Him who gives me strength.

the whole experience has definitely made me stronger and wiser. it was definitely a life experience because i was so afraid i would be sent to the lock-up!

do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

guide to Shanghai 上海 part 1

2011-12-22T14:26:00.000+08:00

spending close to 3 months in Shanghai, i thought i'd share some insights about the things i've learned while i was there. i actually did two posts on my tumblr on sites to use while in China, what with the great firewall and all so do check that out if you're so inclined to. reason why i did it on tumblr was because it wasn't affected by the firewall and while i could still access blogger, i had to share the proxy server with 2 other people in the house which made for a lot of disconnections and lost posts. now that my friends, is a real test of a woman's patience. bad internet connection and i was ready to drown my sorrows in alcohol!

navigation 1.0
navigation 1.1

let me first begin with your arrival at the airport. the one thing every traveler needs when navigating in a foreign land is a GPS and enough money to burn on really expensive data roaming plans. but then we're not all born rich or have a money tree growing in our backyard so we'll go old school and get ourselves a map! if you know how to read a map, that is. i'm saying this because i recently watched a movie and this teenage girl commented that our generation can't read maps. it's sad but true. kids these days wtf.

thankfully in Shanghai airport, they have them at the ready for you. if i'm not mistaken, you'll see these maps when you're queueing at immigration. grab them because these maps will save you! they've got the entire metro lines mapped out for you which makes planning your journey a breeze! almost all the major areas are connected by the metro lines so this is a great way to save on cab fare! taking a cab in Shanghai is not as cheap compared to Beijing but the service and attitude of the Shanghai taxi drivers are gold!

before i proceed further, i would definitely suggest if you have an ipod touch or an iphone to download 2 really great apps.

1. SmartShanghai

i found out about this while i was surfing around for things to do in Shanghai. i was led to their website www.smartshanghai.com which is a similar concept to TimeOut.

2. Shanghai Taxi

this is also a great app for navigating the treacherous ~~Shanghainese roads~~ language barrier that is the chinese language, mandarin. i think most if not all the taxi drivers don't speak a word of english so if you can't speak the language, it will be very difficult for you to get around plus it won't help you one bit if you have the name of the place in english because they don't know it. you always, always have to have the name of where you're going in chinese and in chinese characters too! whenever i had to take the taxi to go to a mall or wherever else, i always did my research online to find out what the chinese name was.

for example, Super Brand Mall is called Zheng Da Guang Chang 正大广场。see what i mean in finding out the chinese name of the place? but with this really convenient app, all you have to do is search for your location and voila! address and location name in characters for your taxi driver's convenience and your peace of mind.

they have it for Beijing as well so if you're in the area, download it for uber convenience!

3. Zhongwen Chinese Pop-up Dictionary

i recommend using Google Chrome as your internet browser when in China because of this really amazing life-saving extension/app! chances are when you're surfing around local chinese sites, everything will be in chinese and while google has an excellent translation tool that translates the whole page to your desired language, i find myself sometimes needing to read particular words in their original language and finding out the pinyin for certain words.

simply hover your mouse above the word and there'll be a complete description of the word! how convenient is that? this way, i was able to enhance my learning experience and extend it to the online world as well besides just learning from my textbook.

so this is it for moving around when in Shanghai.

i've got a confession, i've had this post sitting in my draft for close to 2 weeks! been a lil' busy what with Christmas coming but i'll try to churn out a new post soon on what i've done and seen when i was in Shanghai and Beijing.

and they say, she's so lucky

2011-12-10T12:25:00.001+08:00

it's good to be back!

i'm finally able to access websites properly without having to go through a proxy which is a hassle and a pain in the butt especially since i was sharing the proxy access with 2 other people. i'm a bloody cheapskate, i know. i didn't want to pay the 2 months subscription. so now that i'm back, i truly truly appreciate being able to access blogger, facebook, twitter and youtube properly!

ohh, unifi, how i miss you so! being constantly disconnected can really test your patience. and i mean, really test your patience.

i've got tons to say but first, i'd really like to share this video i just saw on someone's blog.

being away for two and a half months, i've really tried to figure out what i want. and sometimes, figuring out what you don't want is easier than finding out what you want!

rolling in the deep

2011-09-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

it's now the turn of the second week of me being in Shanghai and my response so far to anyone who has asked me how things are is 'so far so good' because so far things have been honestly pretty good. save for the first couple of days when i got here. i was a complete and total mess. i had internal battles with myself all day long and even all night long. i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. nobody knew of this battle but myself. i was lucky i had the flu and the cough so it was easy to put the blame of my lack of appetite and tiredness to the fact that i wasn't feeling so swell.

3 months ago, when i was planning this i was pretty damn sure of myself. long story short, i made a huge leap of faith and took a whole lotta risk at the same time. it's not like i had THAT much to lose but when i first got here, it felt like i was spiraling out of control (not in a drug, alcohol and rock & roll kind of way wtf) but it kind of hit me that i was just lost. plain and simple. it's like i fell down the rabbit hole and am in wonderland. i was honestly THIS close to flying back home together with my dad because i realized that i didn't want to be lost in a foreign city where i can barely string a coherent sentence in the local language! i just wanted to go home and bury myself in my home and just stay there till the wave of insecurities washed over me.

week two and i'm getting a grip of my life now. i'm slowly getting into a routine which won't last for long because guess what? i DON'T have to have a routine that will dictate the rest of my time except when it comes to classes of course. there's a sense of liberty when i know that i can just pack and fly off or take a train somewhere, anywhere and not have to worry about responsibilities. a bit reckless, eh? but i guess it's because i've been living so structured a life that this inch of freedom seems a bit overwhelming! not that i'm complaining.

i still have the luxury of accessing my favourite sites (even the banned ones!) and also having the added advantage of walking. lots of it. i will have legs of steel by the end of my time here!

however, i do wonder what will become of me by the time i finish up here. will i go start job hunting again? will i hop on a plane and fly somewhere else? will i go fishing wtf? there are days where i crave the familiarity and routine of going to work and working and then there are days where i'm yeah man, this is the life! hippie hippie shake shake wtf.

like i said, so far so good...

i can see the way.

2011-09-16T00:24:00.001+08:00

wow, this shit is about to get real. some times i get really excited and then there are times where i get really...homesick? i know! i haven't even left the country yet but these thoughts do run around in my head and i do try to push them back. i mean, it's only gonna be less than 3 months!

pfft, i'm such a baby sometimes.

i'm still in the midst of packing and will most probably have to write down a list later to make sure i don't forget anything but ohmaigawd this is all still so surreal. one day i go from having a set routine and now, i'm packing to go abroad! hopefully the next 10 weeks will be enriching in every sense of the word.

i heard blogger is banned so i may or may not be able to blog. i might just be living in the year 2000 where i'm going.

till we meet again.

xx.

the elephant in the room

2011-09-09T00:25:00.001+08:00

i have the attention span of a 4 year old. it's taken me 2 days to spring clean my room and i'm still not done yet. i still have to look through my drawers to see what treasures *cough* i've hidden in there. trust me, when it really boils down to it, i've NEVER used 90% of the stuff anyways. out it goes, into the trash.

and i'm enjoying the process of chucking things out. de-cluttering my space to make space for more junk wtf. of course not! from now onwards, i will only keep/buy things that is of absolute necessity. a need more than a want. disclaimer: does not apply to clothes, shoes, handbags, books, makeup...oh fuck, who am i kidding?

let's just say i will have a stronger willpower and spending control from now onwards. like why did i spend RM22 on a sparkly elephant from toys r us? because of my lack of control towards all things shiny, cute and because it was a pink elephant! HOW CUTE IS THAT?

i have no shame.

patterns all arranged

2011-09-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

this monday was unlike any other. for the first time in a long time, i didn't dread waking up.

running up that hill

2011-09-05T02:21:00.003+08:00

today has been an insightful day. i didn't have an epiphany nor have i finally figured out what my next step is. but it somehow got me thinking deeper.

i'm going to backtrack a little here so bear with me. i've never really carved out a proper career path when i was younger. if i were to look through my school report books (remember those blue books that had ALL our grades and comments in it?) i think you will find that i've got there listed somewhere businesswoman. honest to goodness, i probably didn't think much about it then. i think it's because i wasn't exposed to the various options out in the market at that time. early 2000s.

the only time i started seriously thinking about what i wanted to do was after SPM. i wasn't farsighted then. i didn't know anything about pre-U or diploma. when i started shopping around for the types of courses i could take, it was then it became real! i had to make serious decisions and i still didn't know what my ambition was! do i take pre-U, foundation studies or jump straight into a diploma program? from there i discovered communication studies. i didn't know what i want but i knew what i didn't want. why is it so easy to know what you don't want but when it comes to finding out what you want, it's the damn hardest thing!? it then becomes a process of eliminating what i wanted and what i didn't want.

ok, so i knew i wanted to take up communications and that i did. now i've got myself a degree from a pretty reputable university. what now? i don't know if this is an attitude problem on my part or a part of me that just doesn't want to conform but i didn't want to take the traditional path of securing myself a degree and then finding myself a proper job and all that shebang. i've never seen myself in a corporate environment till i landed myself a telephone interview april 2010. i can still remember where i had that call and what i was doing. for a sliver of a moment, i could envision myself in a power suit, in an office with glass windows and high-backed chairs and wide tables. i literally saw the ladder that i wanted to climb!

the telephone interview was an international call and i was told that i would be notified if i could move on to the next round which was the face-to-face interview to be held at a later date. i have to say, applying wasn't as simple as submitting a resume and keeping my fingers crossed that they'd pick me to be considered. i had to answer a gazillion questions on top of writing a cover letter and fine tuning my resume. i probably spent about 2 hours applying for it. what i'm trying to say is that i didn't think much about it after submitting my application. the position wasn't even something that was related to my field of studies! but after researching on the background of the company and pretty much matching most of the criteria, what the heck! i haven't got anything to lose.

long story short, i made it through each and every interview round. an amazing feat considering i was probably the only fresh graduate to be shortlisted, there were those with work experience and even a master holder! i was shitting my pants with excitement. this was a huge moment for me because i made it on my own accord. no strings were pulled. my hands weren't held every step of the way. it was as though God made the way for me.

till i screwed it up. i think we all know the ending to this story.

so what i'm trying to dig from this tale is that for a moment, i actually wanted to climb that damn corporate ladder! i was burning for it. for the chase. for the rush.

eventually i did work in a corporate company. make that two. that fire i had when i first got the phone call back in april 2010 wasn't there. in turn, i resented it. hated it. the politics behind it. the thought of spending the rest of my life in the same place for two, five or twenty years scared the bejeezus out of me! i wanted out and i wanted it bad.

and that i did. from the pan into the fire, some may say and right now, looking back in retrospect, i absolutely agree. would i be able to make an informed decision like this if i didn't go through what i went through? heck no. i'd rather go through the pain and suffering than wonder what if?

what if is such a dirty word, isn't it? it mocks you till your deathbed and it could be the one unfinished business as you have as you lay there dying. i could never live with that, could you? prior to entering my second corporate company, i had many discouraging me from doing so. i was caught in between. i was comfortable where i was yet i had this burning a hole in the back of my mind. i was even settled comfortable into the current job prior to the switch. i was doing pretty good for someone with zero experience. if anything, i felt absolutely blessed. God was truly blessing me. all honour and glory i give to Him.

but my curiosity and my misled passion had me taking the jump. fuck it. if i don't make the change now, i never will. i had stumbling blocks along the way. both experiences were not smooth sailing. they were both bittersweet but lucky for me, i tend to remember the better part of the experiences more than the not-so-great ones hence my positive outlook. i'm not trying to be preachy but it's hard to deny the fact that a greater being out there is looking out for me. i remember once when i was down in the dumps and i said;

'sometimes it's hard to be so optimistic all the time when everything is just not going well'
(how profound of me wtf)

where's the silver lining in all that negativity? i'm not ashamed to say that i've cried about my situation. y'know why? cause crying helps. especially the kind where you're really crying with your body heaving and your tears are big and overflowing. let them suckers out. if anything, it's your body's way taking care of itself and also a way of physically letting the emotions out. your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration's need an outlet too. just make sure to cry on the weekends when you don't have to see anybody the next day. swollen eyes are pretty hard to cover up even with concealer wtf. somehow though through all that i've been through, it's something that i have to go through. like a rite of passage wtf. i've been thrown into the deep end in both companies and survived! nothing can stop me now!

can't touch this, ice ice baby wtf.

once again, i've made another jump. this time, it's not into another corporate company although i still think that i can do way better than become a corporate slave! ultimately the goal is to be my own boss. how and by what means, i haven't figured that out yet. if i have to work in more corporate companies to achieve that goal, then so be it.

will it be pretentious of me if i say that i believe the year 2012 will be an AWESOME year for me? the next three to four months will somehow be a determining factor for me. i feel like my life is about to take off for real now.

i shall end with something that i learned recently;

slow in, fast out.
fast in, NO out!

this is actually advice for when driving in roads that bend or when you're cornering. you must turn in slow and then you can accelerate safely out. going in fast will only lead to you crashing or jamming your poor brakes senseless which will lead to you slowing down at the end and barely making it out.

there are many wrongs that i would like to make right but for now this will do.

wide open space

2011-09-04T02:17:00.000+08:00

i'm a hopeless romantic at heart. i read chick lits and i watch rom coms, even the horrible ones. reading this quote somehow validates the fact that not everything is picture perfect. i've certainly seen enough bad rom coms to see that not even the perfection of kate hudson can save a terrible terrible chick flick. sure, i don't need Bob Marley to tell me this, we're living in an imperfect world anyways. but when it comes to dating, i think we tend to put a certain degree of perfection to the partners we chose, choose or will eventually choose. we're not perfect beings so obviously we'll pick partners that are. find a flaw and out he goes.

when people find out that i'm single/unattached, the next question will be 'how come? is it cause you're choosy/picky?' i'm stumped and at a total loss of words. is that a rhetorical question? are they expecting me to have a valid answer? first of all, not being in a relationship is not the end of the world. i'll have you know that being single is not a crime and just because you are in one, that doesn't mean everyone has to be too. and second of all, yes. yes of course i'm picky. i am potentially engaging myself into a long term relationship that will have one of two possible routes; marriage or break-up. so excuse me for not getting into a relationship with every tom, dick and harry. sure, i'd go on dates but to be in an exclusive relationship? i think it's a given that i will be picky. of course this doesn't work out for the best for all. i've heard of people dating and committing 9 years of their lives together and end it. nobody knows. but the start of something new is something that i can have a say in.

but of course i don't say such things. i'm not itching to be in a relationship. in fact, i'm embracing this part of my life right now. sure, i've never been in a relationship before so don't expect me to give relationship advice anytime soon but at this point in my life right now, being in a relationship would be hazardous. this is the time for me to find myself and figure out who i really am. it's me time.

my friend recently started a dating 101 blog just for me! i say it's for me cause the blog add pretty much says it all 1014nat.blog.com

101 for nat, get it? so go ahead, click it and read it. it's new and will be updated every week. leave a comment or whatever but just read it. it may just give you some fresh perspective on dating. now, if only i know where all the single men hang out.

pumpernickel

2011-09-03T01:35:00.000+08:00

there's a sense of liberation in the air. my morning's are no longer filled with dread. does the air smell fresher today? my head isn't filled with justifications and excuses. no more snoozing the alarm, no more. it's been a year of this and finally, finally, i feel like the knots are finally loose. there's nothing final now. no more being tied down. seems like i can hop and skip and let the winds take me on its wings. instead of a fixed stability, i take courage in going into the unknown.

and from there, my journey truly begins.

this whole process took 3 months or so in the making. an idea sparked and a heart to heart later, here i am. i believe it was the situation that led to my decision. a very desperate one at that. i suppose you could say my limits were tested and pushed. i stood my ground. i reasoned. i plotted. i made no sudden movements on the surface but underneath i was a waddling duck. my head was filled and my heart heavy but i didn't want to rock the boat. i was set. for life. well, i was wrong. so very wrong. i'm 23 and i don't have it figured out. career wise i've probably hit a dead wall. i've done what i thought i wanted. you know the saying 'you want what you can't/don't have'? this was one of those moments. i got it but when i got it, it just didn't click and that humbles you as a person. i could work my whole life towards it and when i've finally reached it, it doesn't really add up in the end. up to the point of reaching it, everything is rosy to the point of idealistic. and just when i've grasped it, every illusion is shattered.

perhaps if i hadn't had the exposure prior to this, my situation would be different. i don't regret the past year. they helped open my eyes to a much bigger world. my perspectives are not what they used to be anymore. i was an idealist. my views were rose tinted and they were pretty. i wasn't in the most ideal situations but i had that build up in my head. i thought i achieved bliss and serenity but what i got was a very valuable lesson.

so here i go, moving into new territories. watch out world! here comes natasha wtf.

this ain't a scene

2011-08-12T20:41:00.000+08:00

thought i'd share a scene from one of my favourite dance movie, Center Stage.

this is the final dance scene in the movie. i remember the very first time i watched this movie and i was just so inspired. everytime i went for my ballet lessons i would take inspiration from this movie and strive to dance better.

i wasn't the best dancer in the room. i didn't ask my mother to enrol me in ballet class. she did it behind my back and i was furious! i was probably 4 or 5 years old when this happened but i've been dancing for close to 10 years before i quit.

just. like. that.

one day, i just told my mother i didn't want to dance anymore. and that was it. i remember the day i told my mother this. in retrospect, i think that was a form of rebelliousness on my part. what was i rebelling against? i have no idea but when you're on the brink of teenage-hood, i guess you just do crazy, unexplainable things.

if you were to ask me what my biggest regret is, hands down this would be it. looking back, i would have slapped my silly young self in the behind and talked some sense into her! but the past is in the past and we learn from our past, eh?

and that i am...

make or break

2011-08-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

it can only happen here. the moment i shut down my PC and pack my bags, i get the phone call from hell. but this is all in a day's job and after close to 6 months in it, i've gotten so used to it that i'm bordering on comfort levels with it. so comfortable am i that i don't seem to have a huge reaction to it any more. you know like how if you're allergic to seafood or alcohol, one of the ways of curing it is by eating more seafood and drinking more alcohol. that's how it is here too. but there are bad days too where things really make the patience level skyrocket to the moon.

situation isn't exactly happy happy joy joy now seeing as the only thing that cools anything down these days isn't doing its job properly. i'm actually beginning to sweat in the office when i'm practically sitting under the air-cond! all its blowing is hot air, taunting us, mocking us. is this life, a routine and a laundry list of pros and cons?

big yellow taxi

2011-08-08T16:58:00.000+08:00

for someone who hardly ever takes a cab, i just broke my record today.

first cab ride of the day was when i was walking down hill towards my office. i park really, really, really far away. average walking time from my car to the office is 10 minutes. usually i welcome this walk because this walk will be the only form of exercise i will ever do (but i need more than just a 10 minute walk to shake off all this excess off me... i really need to start jogging!). actually, everytime i'm walking down the hill, i pray for a taxi to drive by so that i can hop in and save that 10 minute walk. surprise, suprise! a taxi DID drive by and i didnt flag him down but he kept turning his head, probably wondering where in the world is she walking to when all around me are houses and he slowed his taxi down. my mind and legs were thinking two different thoughts; i'm like shit, this is it, should i be a cheapskate, suck it up and just walk all the damn way down or pay 3 bucks to save myself the walk. but my legs, oh my legs, they just merrily walked towards the taxi and that's how the battle between my mind and my legs went. sometimes in life, there are things you should be cheapskate about and then there are things you should not be cheapskate about. wisest 3 bucks i've ever spent.

oh the second and third cab ride of the day is the desperation to eat good food. when you've been working where i've been working for the past few months, you will do anything to get out into the world and find good food. and a change of environment. despite the limited choices we have when it comes to lunch, we always, always ask "where to eat?" sometimes, when there's a choice, limited choices or otherwise, a decision has to be made. and what a tough decision it is!

pocketful of sunshine

2011-08-01T17:59:00.000+08:00

this morning, i drove to work like any other monday mornings. i was cranky and stressed out about where i was going to park my car today (long story short: change of management in my previous parking spot and now i'm parking-less for a month). usually, i would listen to the radio, either 104.9 or 88.9 but most days i would plug in my iTrip into my iPod and all is well with the world.

in the middle of the federal highway this morning, i looked into my rearview mirror and saw this girl bopping and singing along in her car and i smiled so wide, i was grinning like a cheshire cat. she didn't care if the cars next to her or the car in front of her will see her. she didn't seem to have a care in the world on a monday morning and that is just mind blowing to me. so i guess not everyone suffers from the monday blues. i bet she wakes up and breaks into a song like i've got a pocketful, pocketful of sunshine!

don't look back in anger

2011-08-01T01:42:00.000+08:00

it's so easy to react to anger. shout, scream, kick, slam, curse and whatever else you do to let the anger out. but that one moment you react to anger is that one moment you can never get back or erase. blood boils when in anger and it takes a lot to keep the blood simmering till it cools down. or it takes a very patient person! emphasis on the very otherwise patience wouldn't be called a virtue, eh?

to keep calm, cool and collected. oh, emotions! they are one tricky beast imbedded in all of us.

just apologize, forgive and forget. tomorrow is another day.

i like it, like it, c'mon

2011-07-28T01:22:00.000+08:00

i've been a terrible friend!

if there's one thing i should never forget, it's my best friend's birthday! i suck cause i wished her 2 days late. i fail cause i wished her through whatsapp, the most impersonal way i could wish a friend. so i will try to redeem myself here.

happy birthday, sexy!

i've been told that i stood up for you when someone called you shorty. i was actually telling the person off jokingly but somehow those who heard it thought i meant it. whatever it is, i'd stand up for you anytime! nobody can talk smack about you.

only i can ;P

and let's not forget my sister from another mother wtf. we share the same surname so we are somewhat related, no? well, your birthday is wayyyy over but we haven't celebrated it yet so happy belated birthday to you too! although i do remember not forgetting your birthday and wishing you on the day itself, right?

to the july babies, this one's for you!

new perspective

2011-07-28T00:28:00.000+08:00

amy winehouse.

i first heard about her death when my dad read aloud the breaking news from cnn. i heard it but i wasn't really processing it. when i did, my heart dropped a lil'. truth be told, i've only really ever listened to one song, 'back to black' and that's cause it was the first song in one of the compilation jazz cd's i have.

then conversations came round about her death. last i checked, her cause of death is unknown but it's one that isn't much of a shocker when you think about it. she had drug and drinking problems. any news surrounding her usually revolved around her substance abuse or really rocky relationship with her ex-husband. the latest news i read about her was when she was booed off stage and then next thing i hear about amy winehouse again was her death. so connecting the dots from what i last read to the sad news of her death, i was honestly not surprised. judging. that was what i did. i was being judgmental about a person i did not personally know. all i knew about her was from the media. and they weren't the kindest when it came to her. every flaw was magnified till i read a very heartfelt, honest and real tribute and account of the disease that is called addiction.

what made the tribute real was that it came from an unlikely person. russell brand's tribute shed light on a disease that is real and painful. painful to the person suffering from it and worst for loved ones. i am very fortunate that nobody i know suffers from this but i read enough celebrity news to see how it kills the brightest and talented persons in the industry. i took it as the person not appreciating what they have. i understood it as them having all the fame and fortune in the world to not know how to handle it, thus turning to self-destructism. but somehow, russell brand's writings touched a chord and i am seeing it in a different perspective now. i am actually amazed at how well-written the tribute is especially cause it's coming from russell brand, the comedian and husband of katy perry, the dude who in my honest to goodness opinion looks like a man who is in need of a shower! don't ask. yes, i can be super judgmental like everyone else but i always try not to be. and this, this just makes me view russell brand AND amy winehouse in a different light.

When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone.

Frustratingly it’s not a call you can ever make it must be received. It is impossible to intervene.

I’ve known Amy Winehouse for years. When I first met her around Camden she was just some twit in a pink satin jacket shuffling round bars with mutual friends, most of whom were in cool Indie bands or peripheral Camden figures Withnail-ing their way through life on impotent charisma. Carl Barrat told me that “Winehouse” (which I usually called her and got a kick out of cos it’s kind of funny to call a girl by her surname) was a jazz singer, which struck me as bizarrely anomalous in that crowd. To me with my limited musical knowledge this information placed Amy beyond an invisible boundary of relevance; “Jazz singer? She must be some kind of eccentric” I thought. I chatted to her anyway though, she was after all, a girl, and she was sweet and peculiar but most of all vulnerable.

I was myself at that time barely out of rehab and was thirstily seeking less complicated women so I barely reflected on the now glaringly obvious fact that Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil. Whether a homeless smack head troubling you for 50p for a cup of tea or a coked-up, pinstriped exec foaming off about his “speedboat” there is a toxic aura that prevents connection. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they’re looking through you to somewhere else they’d rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.

From time to time I’d bump into Amy she had good banter so we could chat a bit and have a laugh, she was “a character” but that world was riddled with half cut, doped up chancers, I was one of them, even in early recovery I was kept afloat only by clinging to the bodies of strangers so Winehouse, but for her gentle quirks didn’t especially register.

Then she became massively famous and I was pleased to see her acknowledged but mostly baffled because I’d not experienced her work and this not being the 1950’s I wondered how a “jazz singer” had achieved such cultural prominence. I wasn’t curious enough to do anything so extreme as listen to her music or go to one of her gigs, I was becoming famous myself at the time and that was an all consuming experience. It was only by chance that I attended a Paul Weller gig at the Roundhouse that I ever saw her live.

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie and Ella, from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened. Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I’d only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn’t just some hapless wannabe, yet another pissed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a fucking genius.

Shallow fool that I am I now regarded her in a different light, the light that blazed down from heaven when she sang. That lit her up now and a new phase in our friendship began. She came on a few of my TV and radio shows, I still saw her about but now attended to her with a little more interest. Publicly though, Amy increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall. The destructive personal relationships, the blood soaked ballet slippers, the aborted shows, that youtube madness with the baby mice. In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent. This and her manner in our occasional meetings brought home to me the severity of her condition. Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.

Now Amy Winehouse is dead, like many others whose unnecessary deaths have been retrospectively romanticised, at 27 years old. Whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. It is not preventable today. We have lost a beautiful and talented woman to this disease. Not all addicts have Amy’s incredible talent. Or Kurt’s or Jimi’s or Janis’s, some people just get the affliction. All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn’t even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call.

- russell brand

RIP amy winehouse.

090711

2011-07-11T23:17:00.001+08:00

july 9 marks a significant time in our malaysian history. this is what inspiration, hopes and dreams are made of.

let me tell you honestly, weeks before this date when the online world was buzzing with bersih 2.0, i was clueless. i didn't know what it was about, what it was fighting for and what the implications would be on the country. until a car ride a few weeks ago got me wondering. i was in the back seat, like a child eavesdropping on her parents discussing 'adult' things. except this wasn't my parents but my friends. they were talking about attending bersih while i sat in the backseat silent not because i wasn't included in the conversation but because i didn't know what bersih was about.

not wanting to be left out, i started reading on bersih. from following them on twitter to getting the lowdown on their official website. and that's when i got educated. slowly i started reading up on news and updates leading up to the rally day. i didn't know what to expect on that fateful saturday. i was even worried that people might not show up because of the many obstacles the law enforcement imposed on the week of the rally. roadblocks being the main hindrance, truly testing the patience of the rakyat. but that was not an obstacle at all for the tens of thousands of malaysians, taking the walk of peace.

i wasn't there. i never planned to go. giving excuses of not knowing how to go downtown to convincing myself that the parental units wouldn't let me (i didn't ask so i could be wrong on this) to fearing of getting caught. but i supported the cause. that i did. the only physical way i could show my support was by wearing my yellow t-shirt. i read the live tweets and could only imagine what it was like. by nighttime, videos and news on the rally slowly sprouted all over the web. personal bersih stories were being told on twitter and on youtube. and the PMs responds to the whole incident wound its way to the local news channels, tv and newspapers.

at 12 midnight i caught the midnight news, telling my dad "i want to see what lies are being reported" and what hidden truths indeed. twisting facts and creating reports on things that really didn't matter at all when it came to looking at the bigger picture i.e. businesses being badly affected (apparently business was booming if stories told are to be believed) and how the people who were detained by the police are well taken care of (served good food and given proper resting place). uh-huh, like that really truly matters when we're fighting for a cause that is gonna make a difference.

i didn't think it possible but some of the stories and videos i've read and seen have brought tears to my eyes. i'm tearing up for my country. i'm not the most patriotic person on the street but this, this just made me feel the love. the solidarity, the unity, the peaceful malaysians walking together and helping one another. wow. i wasn't reading a fictional novel, this was the real damn thing! read #bersihstories on twitter, they are truly heartwarming stories of how malaysians reacted to the chaos and havoc provided by the police might i add. being tear gassed, beaten up and manhandled roughly, these are people we trust to protect us. very unfortunate that they chose instead to behave like gangsters. videos and personal accounts are proof of that despite ministers proclaiming otherwise on mainstream media.

what takes the cake is the PM himself. saw a video of him belittling the effects of a tear gas. i'm not gonna say anymore on that. i think there are plenty of videos going around the web that can speak for itself. what's even sadder is the lies being spread by the masses by the mainstream media. lies everywhere on the front page of newspapers to the headlines on local news channels. thankfully, this is the era of social media where both sides of the story can be seen and heard. any form of judgement can be made with basis unlike that of the ones highlighted to the masses, one sided and highly biased. my blood boils every time i read the lies published. like a bad car crash, it's hard for me not to see the lies they spin to keep themselves afloat.

this time, we cannot ignore it. a change is a coming!

think i need a ginger ale

2011-07-09T00:54:00.000+08:00

"i would like them to know that i have an interest in pursuing the advertising industry. after attending a talk by a major advertising agency, my passion has been fueled. i'll probably head in that direction after graduating. just so the advertisers should know, i do get curious as to how a great piece of advertisement is produced. i do think about the processes that goes through into producing such great ads. therefore, would love to see the 'inside' of an advertisement and hopefully be part of this creative process which i find highly fascinating."

i wrote that probably around 3 or 4 years ago when i was young, naive and full of optimism. found this stored in one of my many profile descriptions and couldn't help but publish it somewhere permanent so that i can look back at this and reflect.

i should probably tell my young self that i have made it. woohoohoohoo! but as my current self discovers, nothing's permanent. i thought i knew but i don't. even now i still don't. i'm making new discoveries yet again.

experience. nothing, and i mean nothing beats having your own experience. so here i am, collecting experiences and making life decisions one step at a time. prior to my first experience of the real world, i was sheltered and protected. my worries were not national disasters. heck, i probably had no worries except for what should i eat for lunch wtf. but as experiences have taught me, one truth that i have been led to believe would be my alpha and omega wasn't exactly so as experience is teaching me now. what i started out hating is slowly making it's presence felt.

hate comes from fear. fear of failing. fear of rising to the challenge. but with all that i have gathered in my jar, i'm beginning to see a different shade of light and slowly gaining new perspective. despite the uncertainness, i don't fear as much. my level of fear isn't at the level that it was when i first stepped foot outside. if anything, i'm beginning to conquer this fear because i know that

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)

my words of comfort.

i think i wanna marry you

2011-07-01T23:58:00.005+08:00

just witnessed 2 hours of metal vs. metal glory in the worst possible seating position which was visually challenging to the eyes and mentally challenging. transformers 3 baybeh.

man, do these people buy advanced tickets or what!? it was FULL HOUSE and we bought tickets noon time which explains the worst possible seating ever. SECOND row from the screen. my butt literally hurt when i walked out of the cinema. i was seating more on the bones of my butt than the 2 'cushions' God so graciously blessed us with. at least the neck was supported. we win some and lose some wtf.

which also explains the visual challenge. man, the screen was huge and it was at a curved angle. we were seated at the side you see so it was just NOT GOOD. at one point, skinny sexy rosie huntington-whiteley looked huge with unattractive shoulders and a face that just smacked my eyes. which was really weird cause shia labeouf who was also in the same shot looked smaller compared to her. whatever it is, the position i was seating in was just uncomfortable and all upclose shots were just distorted from my point of view but in pictures, rosie is really hot. i can't deny that otherwise i'd just sound like a jealous bitch. but i know better than to compare myself to a victoria's secret model. just saying. ( fyi, i'm refraining from putting in hashtags in here. signs of me being a twitwhore wtf)

image taken from here

discomfort aside, i thought this movie was pretty awesome visually. you've got the cool machines, cars, lady and leading man with a great movie score. what more do you want from a blockbuster movie? nobody really cares about the acting. i've read reviews that mentioned rosie's acting made megan fox's look like shakespeare. seriously, people!? let's not be so harsh on a movie that intends to kick box-office butt. we leave the harsh criticism to the oscars. i'd spend rm10 again on this movie but with a better view next time. wait, i take that back. i'd wait to catch it on HBO HD cause honestly, with HD tv, cinema reel quality is just so blah. all those lines and blurs, HD tv has spoiled me wtf.

to be honest, i didn't really catch the storyline cause at some point i would get distracted and not pay attention to the dialogue but trust me, you'll get it eventually. all you need to know is that there's a war between the autobots and decepticons. as the previous 2 transformers have established wtf.

tranformers 3: dark of the moon is a movie for those who are into this sort of thing. my mum commented that it was such a 'kiddie movie' oh the blasphemy and my dad, i think he enjoyed it although i did catch him snoozing at the slow bits. my brother was captivated throughout and me? i actually like it. i'd say that if you enjoyed fast five and thor, this would be up your alley too just cause it's a movie with loud action. i love my romantic comedies just as much as i love my action flicks! the sound of metal crushing metal is music to my ears. by the way, john malkovich is in it too! i found that really cool i dont know why.

ps: i really like shia labeouf. now that is the kind of guy i would like to date.

i scream

2011-06-30T23:13:00.004+08:00

when the fight isn't worth it anymore, watch ANTM Cycle 16 on youtube wtf. like seriously. or go watch a romantic thai comedy on youtube (i recommend bangkok traffic love story and hello, stranger cause that's the only two i've watched)

been a lil' on edge this week due to reasons only known to me (girl issues wtf). plus reading the newspaper today just pisses me off which is why i hardly ever read the papers anymore. only the entertainment section for the horoscopes, comics and cinema listings. i've just revealed my mental age wtf.

title-less

2011-06-23T22:06:00.002+08:00

i had a false alarm. i thought i could leave early from work today. early by definition in this context is 10pm. don't get your hopes up, kids. so many things i work on that they just mash together into one gigantic blob till i realized i DO have something to sign off on :(

so it's 10.07pm and i'm here in the office with a one man band sitting next to me -____- singing out loud because there's no speaker in sight where he then decides upon himself to entertain the rest of us.

so many i wanna go home songs running through my head right now.

big bang

2011-06-21T23:16:00.003+08:00

my skin is dry from the constant exposure to the air-conditioning in the office and at home when i go to sleep although i do slather on a fairly generous amount of moisturiser on my face, arms and legs before i head to bed.

there's a loud siren in the background. an SMS tone it seems. but one that just burns constant reminders of how unfortunate the few of us who are still in the office at 11.17pm are feeling. the alarms go in our heads but there's really no escape. get the job done. even if we know that NOTHING gets done at this hour. because really, who is going to keep awake to give you an approval now? urgh. trust me on this, there are many flaws in the way things are running here that it's not even funny. i could write forever on this and still there will not be enough to convey how fucked up this situation is. but i will not go there. not tonight. my tolerance of idiot-ism can only tolerate as much. maybe perhaps one day when all my pent-up frustration needs an outlet, i will regale you with stories and anecdotes of this mad world. they don't call them mad men for nothing wtf.

it's now 11.25pm. last night, i was in the same position as i am now. waiting. tick tock tick tock. (this reminds me of gwen stefani's first single what you waiting for) every night, they tell you the same bull shit. it's going out tonight. fuck you. the bloody brief came in 2 fuckin days ago. there is no way in hell it will go out tonight. but of course they'll spin you a tale of crap cause they need it by the end of the week. go figure. they had the whole day to look at it and give whatever comments they had to say. but of course, if only life were as simple as telling you within the working hours of 9am to 6pm what sort of changes they want. hell to the no, sistah! you should be so lucky. they love telling you changes at 11pm because apparently they're vampires. they only come alive when the sun goes down.

now that's an anecdote right there. note that down, folks. we here just love sitting around waiting for these bloodsuckers to tell us what to do at 12am.

if things really did go out at the end of the ordeal, i would say ok at least i waited for a reason. but again, i tell you, i should be so lucky. they'll tell you they can't get the approval they need so we'll continue tomorrow, folks! i can say WHAT THE FUCK or i can just say I TOLD YOU SO. but that would just mean that i'm the fool.

but i won't be the fool for much longer. not if i have any say and control of my life and the destiny that i am supposed to fulfil wtf.

so on days like these, i will tell myself, this will all be over someday soon. you know why? cos baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth. yes, katy perry, i will make them go oh oh OWH!

your song reminds me of swimming

2011-06-16T02:15:00.000+08:00

everyday, things change.

i grow a little wiser, i grow a little wearier and i grow a little sideways wtf true story.

made the mistake of weighing myself last weekend and i can't wrap my head around the fact that i've gained weight +___+ i'm so sad that i actually have a really good appetite for food these days wtf and i'm not even having my monthly visit yet! fml.

but i digress.

my plans keep changing as the earth keeps turning on it's axis and the gravity is still holding all of us down and the sun still shines at the right time of the day and i still complain about life being a pain in the ass. once again, i should be crowned miss fickle. maybe i should get a 'little miss' shirt with those exact labeling. i've never really realized it but it's come to the point that everyday i have different ambitions in life. this is worst that when i was 8 and i told my parents i wanted to be an air stewardess and then probably the year after that i told them i wanted to be a teacher and then doctor.

fyi, i'm none of the above. being an air stewardess isn't a viable option. i've come to accept the fact i am vertically challenged to be even considered. case closed. being a doctor? let's just say my intelligence level isn't up to standard wtf. grey's anatomy is enough for me.

i'm still finding my footing. this search will be long and arduous. and boy do i know how arduous it's gonna be. like i said earlier, i keep changing my paths that i have to literally tell myself to STICK TO THE BLOODY PLAN!

i made a pact with myself wtf. the plan is laid out and i'm trying to stick to it. barely really. everyday, i come up with an escape route and everyday, new routes keeping popping up that i have to yank myself back down. take a chill pill wtf. i have come to terms with my current situation and while i am looking for alternatives, i figured i should enjoy the situation that i am in right now and maybe write about it? now that's a thought, hmm...

i may not have a wealth of experience but i've got enough right now to start off with and i'm sure i've got at least an audience of one who would be interested in reading about my adventures, eh? i am afterall a writer, ahem, writing major.

ohhh...i feel a new project brewing! watch this space wtf.

by the way, as an ending to this, an interesting conversation piece came up after work. me and a colleague left about 8-ish pm and we were saying whoah this is early!

-_____-

for somebody else NOT in this industry, this would be way past overtime. way way way over. and they'd probably be cursing, spitting and throwing tantrums. yeah, been there, done that.

acceptance is key.

hope keeps the engine running smoothly.

i need an ambulance, i took the worst of the blow

2011-06-11T02:56:00.004+08:00

sometimes, it's so much easier to take things into my own hands and not worry about consequences. all we do is really worry. what will happen now? later? a year from now?

one day i'm all hot and bothered. and then there are days where i'm just cool and chill and whatever. but at the back of my mind is where the action takes place. i think, analyze, rationalize, argue, counter-argue, defend, breakdown. sometimes, the mind overworks and i just don't know what to do with myself. so many things going on at once that it's difficult to separate the thoughts from the chaos. where do you draw the line between real and what you think is real?

there doesn't seem to be any realness where i am now. everything seems so superficial and material. two-faced. playing pretend. i don't know what's real anymore. i've always been going with the flow and that has served me pretty well till i started dictating what i wanted. i wish i could place the blame on someone and i think i did initially cause it was so much easier to have a target to aim at. all that pent up emotions, good or bad, was made clearer when i knew who and what to direct it at. but ultimately, after getting through the stage of denial, the only person to point fingers at it is me.

it's my own mistake to make. i'm taking this as a learning curve where i take responsibility for what happens next. right now, i am at another crossroads. another of life's junctions thrown at me. despite what i'm feeling, i never fear because

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

it just doesn't seem real with no connection. there's a need to feel solid ground, warmth and connected. feelin' disconnected and living on a thin red line of superficiality with no real purpose and objective. headless chicken pecking around in the darkness, hands grasping at emptiness and heart filled with false aspirations and motivations. constantly consoling and rationalizing, filling the void with empty promises and words. the truest of true so taboo.

don't worry. i'm fine as fine can be. am just living life as life should be lived. no manuals or shortcuts dictating or directing. just livin' life the way it should be lived. i just find it therapeutic to jot down words, giving the conundrum a structured organizational flow. compartmentalizing the thoughts.

makeup heaven

2011-05-21T22:48:00.003+08:00

that's it!?

i expected it to be bigger!

but then i got distracted when i saw pink everything on the shelves of soap&glory from the corner of my eye. i'm a sucker for packaging. and the colour pink. and the feet goes where the eyes see. i picked up everything! read what sweet goodness laid behind this tube and that jar and wanted to take home one of each!

body lotion? i want!

foot cream? i want!

shower gel? i want!

it's moments like these i'm thankful i have a rational side to me. the side of me where i reason with myself and tell myself NO! i dont need another body lotion cos i still have enough to last me for eternity. nor do i need a body scrub since i've already got one sitting in my bathroom that i hardly use. to be honest, i can probably count on one hand the amount of times i've used it. that decision however is regretted cos upon inspection just now, i think the body scrub can no longer be used. NOOOOOOO!!! i should have bought the body scrub that would make me smell like candy and give me the scrub of my life as promised on the packaging!

and so, i walked away.

and came face to face with bare minerals!

i first heard of this brand on TV. i was probably having breakfast when the ad came out and as the host kept detailing the benefits of mineral makeup, the more i wanted one. i was sold and THIS close to picking up the phone to order one! but of course, the rational me came in to save the day till i met a friend who was using bare minerals. i researched about it by asking all the right relevant questions and there was no turning back. i got myself the Get Started kit and have been using it ever since.

i'm happy this brand is finally in our shores. now i can easily get my refill and maybe the traveling sized brush that just pours out the powder as i dust it on my face. or maybe not. separation between wants and needs. separation between wants and needs. i need to instill this deep in my head.

moving on, urban decay! another brand that's brought in. yay! i'm currently using their eye primer and one of the eyeshadow palettes called get baked. the really popular palette is the naked palette and i can see why! the colours are earthy tones which i like. the ones sold here comes with a brush and a mini eye primer potion priced at RM175.

once again, i was tempted. separation between want and need. seriously, if i had the power of impulsiveness in me, i'd be very broke but very happy wtf.

then there were the nail colours and you know the best is from OPI. colour choices? you'd be better of with more variety at colour culture, IMHO.

if you hadnt already figured it out, i was at sephora today. was pretty excited to finally see what exciting new brands they brought in besides the standard brands we already have here. as mentioned above plus a few other brands like too faced, smashbox, korres, phyto and their very own sephora brand, i'd say its a good start. at least now we have brands that were once out of reach available right here in the heart of KL. or if we were that desperate, hop on over to our neighbouring sephora in singapore where i was also THIS close to buying an eyeshadow palette from urban decay. again with the eyeshadows. self-control is all i can say. it's a powerful word too wtf.

pic taken by winnie

my only vice is that the store isnt big enough and there isn't enough brand variety brought in. even the range of products for certain brands wasn't extensive. or maybe i had higher expectations. whatever it is, i'm just finally glad we have a sephora in our shores now. no more fake shopping on sephora.com wtf.

monkey

2011-05-14T22:53:00.003+08:00

today, i lived up to the bruno mars 'lazy song'. when he sang today i dont feel like doing anything. i just wanna lay in my bed, i literally did just that. lazed in bed for half an hour after waking up trying to go back to sleep again just because i can and then dragged myself out of bed, brushed my teeth and went downstairs for breakfast. in my pyjamas. oh i havent done that in a looooong time! i used to do it all the time when i was younger. but back then, it was to plop myself infront of the TV to watch the saturday morning cartoons!

today i relived part of my childhood. i had my breakfast and plopped myself infront of the TV. watched a movie and got my celebrity updates. however, this isnt really the whole point of the story.

what i really wanted to say was what my brother had to say to me when he saw me in my pyjamas infront of the TV.

"you're just like me" and proceeded to give me a very wide smile!

"and that's a good thing, eh?"

"yeah" with another wider smile.

hidden play things

2011-05-14T22:51:00.002+08:00

for the first time in a long time, i logged into my flickr account. i've only posted 2 photos and looking at it, it's got me wanting to play with my camera again!

if only i can find it...

fact checker

2011-05-14T22:43:00.002+08:00

it irks me when people spell macaron as macaroon. get your facts right. i know i did.

black friday on a Good Friday.

2011-04-23T02:33:00.003+08:00

my day started at 12-ish pm. it was the first time i switched off my alarm on a weekday. yes, friday is a weekday too. i couldn't let the alarm wake me this time because i needed my body to sleep and wake up when it was ready too. it has been a crazy 4 day work day this week. i guess it was the universe's way of telling me to pay back the time that i missed on the days that i was off. which was crazy.

so my day started at 12pm when i woke up, showered, lunched and headed to work. as my usual routine goes, i would park my car and walk to my office building which takes less than 10 minutes walk. smart me squeezed into a tight spot and couldn't get out from the driver's side. i cleverly thought that i was 'skinny' enough to squeeze myself out but i wasn't 'skinny' enough. so i restarted my car to repark again.

key in ignition. turn to start. car starts.

that's how it should have gone.

key in ignition. turn to start. car doesn't start.

+_________+

i try again.

and again.

great. add in the fact that there was no reception in the carpark, i couldn't call for help. and i couldn't get out from the drivers side so i had to climb over to the passenger side to get out. my brilliance sometimes amazes me.

i decide to make the call for help in the office and thus proceeded the walk to my office. barely 50 steps out, it POURS. not drizzle, mind you. BIG FAT RAINDROPS! the only saving grace? i carry a foldable umbrella in my bag for days such as this.

could my day not get any worst? first the car and now the rain. and then i get into the office and receives news that there are changes to the job that i've been working on for the past 3 days. strike gold today.

had a brief meeting to discuss the job but my mind was worried about the car. and my face showed it. i was preoccupied with so many things, nothing really made sense. but there's always a silver lining in every cloud. and the day slowly got better.

i was surprised with a cupcake cause it's my birthday month! so that instantly perked me. i'm so easy to please. then the mechanic came to help with the car situation which wasn't a situation afterall cause the car started just fine with no hiccups whatsoever. figures la. and work was done for me!

and i went for service today which was very different. loads of reflection to do. it really highlights the great sacrifice Jesus did. He died for our sins.

so what started out as an unfortunate day turned around to be a pretty good one.

have a good Easter!

i miss being

2011-04-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

a student.

a graduate.

a carefree being.

i miss worrying only about completing assignments and hoping to be able to graduate and then figuring it out from there. but now that i am in the figuring it out part, it sucks. nobody and nothing prepares you for this. even when i think i've got it all covered.

time keeper.

2011-04-09T01:03:00.003+08:00

i'm the kind of person who ALWAYS wears a watch whenever i'm out of the house. i get really uneasy when i don't know the time. it's like i'm chasing after something wtf. but about a couple of months ago, i didn't want to wear my watch. i felt restricted by it. as if my every movement was being timed and that it felt like i was also running or rushing for something.

in my previous job, i needed my watch to keep me punctual. i would have to constantly look at the time to make sure i was not late for my appointment. often times i'd have back to back appointments and keeping time was a necessity! but it was at this time that i felt the restriction of wearing my watch. it was weighing me down. my hand felt heavier and many a times, i found myself taking my watch off. and it was then that i felt the liberation of not knowing what time it was! i was constantly keeping check of myself. i felt the freedom to move about and just be. it was so easy for me to just look at my watch to know what time of the day it was and what the next plan was going to be. without my watch, i was a child without a care. skipping through green hills and picking berries from bushes. this was probably the time i felt actual freedom. freedom from time. not worrying about the future and just focusing on the present.

and then, that careless abandon left me and i was back to being the time keeper. constantly feeling reassured that control was back in my hands. that i had a to-do list to accomplish by the end of the day. my wrist would feel bare without the warmth of the leather strap and cold stainless steel surface of the watch. my hands were a lil' too light.

and so i resorted to wearing my watch again. periodically looking at it to make sure there was enough time to do the things that i had to do.

when i needed the time the most, i left it and felt liberated. and now that i'm not worried so much about time, i wear it constantly. reminding me of how important it is to know the time. there's a mix reaction now. there are times where i just feel like not wearing my watch but because of habit, i always put it on. and if i'm really conscious about it, i'll just take it off and stuff it in my bag and feel that freedom again.

wishing well

2011-04-03T21:51:00.003+08:00

“I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes.”
Phil Dusenberry

taken from here

this somehow gives me a sense of direction in life. it's been a month and a week. tomorrow marking a month and 2 weeks. a colleague mentioned that i should have a drink to mark the one month period. i didn't. i should have and i would have had i had enough money to buy myself a drink. a pint of guinness would have been the choice seeing as i've never actually had a pint of guinness before but it seemed like such a grown up choice of alcoholic beverage. i've taken a sip of it and liked the smoothness of it but never a pint to myself.

a friend mentioned that i should go out more. socialize more. meet new people. i would if i wasn't so damn tired every time i switch off my computer in the office. clubs? i seem to develop a very unfriendly stance towards clubbing. and i don't think i'd like to meet someone in a club or would i? its so noisy and the only way you can hear what the other person is saying is if they come really up close in your breathing space or it's a shout fest. i'd rather stay home. but staying home won't let me meet new people. going out would.

and by going out, i would really like to sit somewhere where ice-creams and cake and milkshakes and the odd tong sui and wor peng would be served! and that's what i'd like to do. serve desserts cause everyone ALWAYS has space for desserts :)

why people sometimes fail #1

2011-04-02T16:18:00.003+08:00

you know you're a couch potato when you're channel surfing and you're watching one program and you switch channels when the ads come on and then you watch another show only to realize that you were actually watching something else but the realization comes too late when you turn back to the original channel and the show ended an hour ago +____+

definition of a failed couch potato.

my world 3.0

2011-03-30T22:16:00.002+08:00

i do a lot of thinking when i'm driving to work. not so much when i'm driving back home cause by that time, i'm just brain dead and hungry and sometimes just moaning about how i'd rather not do this but i digress.

it's the only time i am truly alone with nothing but my thoughts and the road ahead of me. well, rush hour traffic doesn't exactly have much of a road view. car bumpers, yes. so i make loads of life decisions when i'm driving or at least i think about it a lot. and i'm beginning to see a pattern in my thoughts. from the first day i started working to this very day. i may not have thought about it everyday, but the thought does pop in and out once in awhile. i'd like to step my food down and just charge ahead with it but i also have a rather rational and realistic side to me.

but lately with all that is happening in the world and my lack of knowledge and understanding in my spiritual life, i feel like now is the time i actually do something about it and at the same time finally learning something and doing something that i know that i would like to pursue in the very near future.

work and life balance is of high importance and i'm not going to let that be discounted in whatever i aim to do.

from my understanding of my thought patterns, i'd say this one is pretty consistent. and that's quite a stretch of a statement seeing as how fickle-minded is my middle name O___0 tough life decisions need to be made.

john lennon once sang,

they may say that i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one

curry curly wurly

2011-03-30T00:12:00.004+08:00

this afternoon, or rather yesterday afternoon seeing it is already after midnight, i had the best lunch ever since stepping into my new position here in KL. i still remember my first lunch. it was at a restaurant serving overpriced dishes of sandwiches and mineral water. i had a wrap which i thought would be hot but was in actual fact cold. yucks.

on my second day, i had a nicoise salad. something which i learned about when i was in europe! it was heavenly. the one in europe, not this one. and my third was a singapore fried meehoon in the restaurant next door.

but today, took the cake. maybe because it was just me in a crowded cafeteria. no idle chit chat. no small talk. no smiling and nodding. just me. sitting and waiting. and if you insist, reading twitter. yes, twitter makes for a very good time idler.

that delightful dish i had that warranted itself a blog post?

maggi sup.

instant noodles never tasted this good.

23.

2011-03-29T00:00:00.004+08:00

happy birthday, pui mun!

7 years of friendship and many more years to come. we've been in the same school since form 1 and yet we've only met in form 4 as classmates. 2 years in the same class and look where that has gotten us. we've been through pretty much all the highlights of our youth and now young adult life (OMG that was hard to type. i still like to think that i'm only turning 18)

you're the calm one in the group. you are a level-headed, kind and generous person and there is not a bad bone in you! even when you've consumed more than your alco-tolerance, you're an absolute joy to be with but that's cos you're really funny after you've drank too much! i reckon you should drink more and party it up, yeah!

i don't know about you but birthdays now seem to come and go really quickly. i guess it's true what they say, after turning 21, the years just seem to fly by. but what softens the blow of growing another year older is the realization that you're not growing a year older alone.

you've got us...

ps: did you know how difficult it was for me to find a photo of everyone in it?! very. difficult. we need a new group photo!

and we've got you.

runway/catwalk

2011-03-20T21:43:00.004+08:00

these days, i've been checking out fashion blogs and sites. not that its related to my work or anything but fashion is pretty fun, eh? all that mixing and matching and goo-goo-gaa-gaa-ing over must have pieces!

i've seen some pretty shimmery dresses and shoes. hi, fashion designers, i want an invite to your runway shows! i may not be a fashion blogger or a photographer but if i can dress like a fashionista and sling a dslr on top of it, i might as well be one. so many bloggers seem to think they're fashionista's just cause they can pronounce haute couture and pout and squint simultaneously in front of a bare white wall.

i'm just bitter.

i really want to splurge but i'm also very sensible and realize that if i were to splurge, imma be spending pretty much 6 months worth of savings away :( oh i hate responsibilities, i do. i've done the work thing. i've got enough experience to tell my children how tough work is. will some honest good man come and marry me already. honestly!

not a leap year.

2011-02-27T22:13:00.002+08:00

february, you have been by far the most interesting month of the year 2011. well, that'd be giving you too much credit, eh since it's only the second month of the year but i give credit where credit's due.

march, i'll be waiting.

waka waka eh eh.

2011-02-02T15:06:00.003+08:00

"you didn't grow?!"

that's what she said.

untouched

2011-01-30T22:16:00.003+08:00

today, i took a nap with my windows opened.

best. nap. ever.

but seriously, rain for the whole day? i couldn't even enjoy a hot shower.

i wish i knew how to bake a pavlova!

2011-01-20T23:12:00.003+08:00

am a happy child cos i took a day off tomorrow! so that leaves me with a very looooong weekend :D unbelievable but it has now come down to taking days off to make me happy. it's a cycle of horrors. in school, i looked forward to public holidays and term breaks. now, it's still public holidays but with the added bonus of extending that holiday as well as taking off whenever i please :P ahh, the freedom! too hot to handle wtf.

but this a very well planned off day as well. i'm trying to fit in a lot for this day. and squeeze in a slice of pavlova too :DDD

things are looking up. i can feel it!

the glamourous

2011-01-17T23:27:00.003+08:00

heavy traffic on the federal at 11.30-ish AM?! hello, no need to work ar?

a car was driving without it's headlights on?! hello, even my 9 year old brother knows that the headlights need to be switched on at NIGHT!

these are just some of the highlight of my day. but really, the highlights of all highlights is that i am gonna make a change.

and unlike my previous post, this time, i'm all aboard and ready to go go go! am feeling pretty excited cos this just means i'm one step closer to my, dare i say it...dream!

but really, today is a very happy birthday to lips :D

she's very easily amused!

try spending a whole month with her!

best times. truly.

good scream and a good shout

2011-01-13T22:01:00.002+08:00

i did it! got my foot in the door. so why aren't i as excited as i should be?

possibilities are endless but i think it's the comfort level i'm in. my roots are beginning to be planted and the fear of change is inevitable. but then again, i'm embracing the change. if i don't, i will NEVER know. and never is such a strong word. too strong to let it slide away from me.

ok. enough cryptic talk. can't say more cos i don't reveal too much here anyways. that's just how i roll.

i just got my hands on florence + the machine and hello, why hasn't anyone told me how awesome they are?!

imagine me and you...so happy together

2011-01-05T23:07:00.005+08:00

had a FML moment this afternoon.

appointment to meet client in pavilion between the hours of 1.30 to 2pm. i arrived 1.20pm, received sms from said client to meet at 2pm. i haven't had my lunch so i queued up at kfc (imagine me and you...so happy together!) the line was massively long (lunch time. fml 1 me 0) already stood in line for close to 20 minutes when the sms came;

'meet you in coffeebean in 5 minutes'

+______+ ... -__________- ... WTF ...

i had a fight or flight moment. literally.

the better part of me screwed it and walked from one end of pavilion to the other cos said client had to choose to meet at the coffeebean located at the alfresco area instead of the in the centre court. fml 2 me 0.

fine. no complains cos i'm too nice for my own damn good sometimes.

about 10 minutes later, i left coffeebean and hurried back to kfc (imagine me and you...so happy together!) and to my joy, the queue pretty much non-existent. but that would just mean i would score myself 1 but NO! the universe was feeling pretty sadistic i reckon. 2 opened counters therefore 2 lines. i queue up behind line no.1 and customer just walked in queues behind line no.2. suddenly manager asks to open counter 3 to take order for man who is standing in line no.2. +____+ i thought cashier will layan me and serve me next but NO! she pushed the Counter Close sign further front after customer leaves. fml 3 me 0. nevermind. i wait patiently even though i was slowly dying a hungry death. then lady in line 2 moves away and man who just walked in who stands behind lady gets to take order while i wait behind fellow who for some reason took FOREVER to order fried chicken.

fml 1,000,000 me 0 x infinity.

by the time i reached my turn, my stomach was playing the orchestra rivaling all the orchestras in the world combined. but i had my fried chicken and is very. the. satisfied.

i was so happy, i even had myself a side order of fries cause i was delirious by the time it came to my turn at the cashier i could have ordered everything on the menu. but some semblance of self-control was still intact and that fries made me quite a happy child.

imagine me and you...so happy together

2011-01-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

had a FML moment this afternoon.

'meet you in coffeebean in 5 minutes'

+______+ ... -__________- ... WTF ...

i had a fight or flight moment. literally.

fine. no complains cos i'm too nice for my own damn good sometimes.

fml 1,000,000 me 0 x infinity.

by the time i reached my turn, my stomach was playing the orchestra rivaling all the orchestras in the world combined. but i had my fried chicken and is very. the. satisfied.

omg it's 11

2011-01-03T22:39:00.002+08:00

currently listening to peter grant's happy together. can't help but tap my feet along to the infectious beat :) also doesn't help that i'm thinking of KFC as i'm listening to it. didn't KFC use this song in their ads in the 90s?

i had a McD's cravings today and i thought i could rush it but the rain was wicked. there was a point where i could hardly see the roads at all cause the rain was that HEAVY! i stared longingly at the clock thinking i could make a MAD dash to McD's before the meeting started but the more rational me took control of the situation. aiyoh, if only i could be more all action and no thinking! do do do DO! just do it wtf.

so now, i am left carrying this McD craving till i SATISFY the bloody craving. you have no idea. close friends will tell you that once i have a craving, it won't go away till i sink my teeth into that glorious piece of delectable craving of the mo'!

the most exciting thing to happen in the office came in the form of a surprise birthday! not mine but if you're wondering, it's coming in about 3 months time :D ice-cream cake for everyone!

so that was my first day of work for 2011. hope yours sounds as good as mine!

doubt it!

twentyten

2010-12-30T23:28:00.011+08:00

it's really bad timing to be sick now but there's nothing i can do about it. i feel the trickles of a sore throat coming and my nose is already giving way to a full out flu. soon. unless i have like 1000 x infinity intakes of vitamin C now. but that would just make things worst, wont it?so what's a soon to be sick girl to do on the eve of a public holiday (way to go Harimau Malaysia yea yea yea) and NYE? i reminisce of the year that is soon to be called the year that was. 2010 has been a test of many a things. i feel like i've been riding the highs and drowning in the lows. and to be standing at this point and staring at the view before me, 2010 has certainly made me grow a lil' wiser and definitely more 'tahan lasak'! if i can go through the worst days of my life and then make a 180 degree turn from that, i say 2010 has been crazy. if i cried more tears than the last five years combined, i say bring on the tissues. fyi, i think crying frees the soul. so if there's anger or sadness cry it out, sister! or brother (men today are so different from the generation before us).

in no particular order, here are some of the highlights of my 2010;

graduation! this was one of the best days of my life!

lips turning 21. the highlight was the after-party! i will say no more.

chinese new year!

first family holiday of the year

turning a year older...

random shenanigans

london for the very first time!

appreciating modern art

discovering that we are modern artists in the making! all those pictures taken in the toilet mirror has not been in vain.

#10

according to Jman, i had a miley cyrus moment but i dont care. it was the highlight of my trip hands down ;D

#11

discovering stroopwaffles for the first time!

#12

the famous duckrice experience after 2 failed attempts.

#13

in the midst of the world cup fever, i visited Liverpool.

so that's some of the highlights of my 2010.

happy 2011, folks!

last Xmas i gave you my heart

2010-12-24T00:02:00.002+08:00

i think the more you want something, the harder it is to get it. and then you wait. patiently, impatiently is a whole other matter but you wait. and when it's within grasp, you reach out your hand. touch it and pull your hand back like you would touching a hot pot sitting on a stove. just a touch and you begin to rethink the entire situation. but you want more cos that slight touch has ignited and stirred this hidden desire. suddenly i'm trying to find ways to keep trying to catch this enigma. i sit here and think about it when i should really be doing something about it.

really, i just want somebody to loveeeeeeeee...justin beiber tells me so all the time.

it's a promise.

2010-12-23T23:32:00.003+08:00

cast your burdens on Me and I will look after you (Psalm 55:22)

i'm lovin' it

2010-12-04T18:16:00.004+08:00

good news should come in a happy package but somehow, this doesnt exactly warrant one. plus, it coming earlier than it should makes it even the more exciting. but it's an emotional blackhole. try as i might to make myself LIKE the work that i'm doing and i do that pretty often whenever i'm alone. i tell myself, 'hey, this isn't so bad, eh?' or 'i'm already doing it anyways, i can do it for a longer term, eh?' fuck this shit. it's the road to denial, innit? but self motivation is there so i guess credits got to be given, no?

want to know what i really wish for? that life doesn't have to go a certain way. i know there are no rules when it comes to livin' the life i want to live but i put myself there anyways. there are steps and measures to be taken that was set up a long long time ago which have been followed through by many and i think i've pretty much aced those steps so why aren't i happy? right now, i earn enough to buy the things that i want (within budget of course which really isnt that much in the first place, eh?) and yet, that really isn't enough to keep me afloat. try as i may, my arms are getting tired and numb from all that treading to keep afloat. throw me a life buoy right now.

i know of friends who have found their happiness in life. and they succeeded in their first try and here i am suffocating.

truth be told, half the time i honestly don't know what i'm doing. when i say i go with the flow, i literally go with the flow. and i'm hoping the flow will take me to boogie town where i can whip my hair back and forth and just be...happy.

i whip my hair back and forth

2010-11-29T21:51:00.002+08:00

left, right and centre, i only hear discouragement.

what do you do in times like these?

the million dollar question i can NEVER give a straight answer to; what do you want?

i mean, in the general sense of the word, there are many material things that i would love to have but that's not what they're really asking me. so really, what do i want?

a career. check. but a career in what?

a boyfriend. yes but don't ask me why i don't have one now. actually, don't ask anyone why they don't have one. it could be a life choice and not a condition.

a blackberry. oh yes! with a data plan too just so i can tweet about random shit that happens to me on the spot ie. a bloody kancil just flashed me on the fast lane?!. i always tweet about it in my head so i figure having access to the net 24/7 will make me uber happy.

oh santa, if you're real, i would really like to know,

what happens next?

walking distance

2010-11-22T21:48:00.003+08:00

things seem to be progressing positively. but that's just on the surface. it's when you dig deeper where you find the rough edges, bumps and twist and turns. everyday i tell myself, something better will come along. in the grander scheme of things, this will all lead to something.

something.

what thing?

round the clock

2010-11-17T21:27:00.003+08:00

i saw way too many teenyboppers today. but that wasn't the worst part. nothing can beat this.

i got a call this morning. picked it up and what do you know, it was a customer enquiring. fine, yada yada yada, then he asked if i am working today? no. it's a public holiday.

oh, so you don't work round the clock?

jaw drop. face palm. head desk.

the many fascinating levels of how the human mind can function and form ridiculous statements such as the above, baffles me.

talking to the moon

2010-11-08T23:59:00.003+08:00

is it called giving up or letting go when you decide it's for the best to quit?

am i giving up? sure, i can hold on a lil' longer but should i, after knowing for a fact that i absolutely can't stand this anymore?

or am i actually letting go and allowing myself to finally go pursue something else that i want. something that i want on my own without anyone pushing me towards to it, painted views and aspirations on the back of my head.

i don't need no permission to stop or start. i just need support.

the other side

2010-11-07T23:19:00.002+08:00

this feeling of dread isnt supposed to be this bad. i am literally dreading monday.

if only quitting were that easy.

it's literally 4o minutes before midnight and here i am having this heavy heart and dread about tomorrow. i am literally afraid of my handphone. everytime it rings, i say a little prayer, hoping that it's either my parents or a friend. i want to cry about it but crying only gives me a swollen eye the next day. this is unhealthy right, if i keep telling anyone who would listen how much i hate this.

and i do. hate this.

yes, i am an idealist with very romantic ideas about life.

and it sucks.

singing the

2010-11-07T20:53:00.001+08:00

m-m-monday blues...

big bang

2010-11-05T22:36:00.003+08:00

at the traffic light today, i saw a heartbroken man cry. he was furious, an emotional wreck. slamming on the window and biting his hand because the physical pain was much more bearable than the ache he felt in his heart.

he was crying.

while she sat there, stone-faced and emotionless amidst the tidal waves of pain and anguish circulating in that tiny space.

he was screaming.

she was silent.

i've never seen a man cry like that. not in real life. the car was shaking from the angry and hurt vibrations emanating from every pore of his body. the heat could scald your skin if you dared to go near him.

she was cold as ice.

he couldn't control his tears. they kept blurring his vision. he couldn't wipe them away like the wipers that wiped the rain drops away. his sleeves were soaked. soaked with the tears that seemed to stream from a broken tap that just won't stop.

his hands were bruised.

from hitting the steering wheel. from flinging his arms all over the tiny space of a car that seemed better fit for a 12 year old than a grown man. he only kept hitting the side window because that pain was real and controllable. but really, that pain could be healed in a day or two. what he felt then, it was forever.

he was heartbroken.

at least that was how i saw it. the woman beside him. another being just like i. just like him. but she wasn't just another woman. he was hurt. and she was the cause of the hurt. he kept wiping tears away.

while she sat there in silence.

green light.

and we'll move on to the next thing till another red light stops us.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

2010-10-28T23:38:00.002+08:00

1) giving up. i quit ballet and piano. the not-so-saving grace; i was young and stupid.

2) impulse buying.

3) agreeing to things that i dont want to do

4) missed opportunities

5) screw up the interview. things could be different. better or worse, i dont know. but definitely different.

6) procrastinate

from ny to la

2010-10-27T22:12:00.003+08:00

once again, i broke down. and this time, it hit me hard. harder than before. do i wait for the final straw or just let things continue on and keep on accepting the hardblows as they come?

i need to get out of here.

the art of winning

2010-10-14T23:51:00.005+08:00

tonight was the first time i left the office at 10pm. the business is getting crazier. my phone rings ALL the frickin' time. i have THIS bunch of files pending on my desk. and still there's more coming in. after 4 months into the job, it is starting to get challenging. i don't have time to pee. but that's just because the toilet is far.

today i got a pleasant surprise on my desk. no, it wasn't my dream man seating naked on my desk but close. before leaving for my appointment, i locked my computer. so when i got back in the evening, i moved my mouse and keyed in my password. then when i saw that my email and documents weren't popping up on the screen, i went 'WHO TOUCHED MY COMPUTER >:('

AND that was when i realized something was amiss. i could see the keys on my keyboard clearly. that's weird. then i looked at the monitor. it's brighter. HOLY CRAP i got new toy! that totally made my day.

i don't know how i could miss that.

oh yeah, cos i work hard for my money.

today was supposed to end well when i got a call from time out kl. was told i won tix to catch paramore live. fuck me, this would be the first time i win something that i truly wanted. but that came crashing down when i received another call late evening telling me i was only shortlisted. what that means is that i'll only get tix when the winners don't collect them. yeah, like that's going to happen. bloody idiots. how can this happen? i asked them what they were going to compensate me with and they said i could get their magazine. such joy. i was going to sing praises about time out kl but not anymore. this isn't some kuntum magazine organizing some workshop to improve your math skills. this is an international magazine organizing a concert and they make blunders like this? so does that mean they've been calling up the 'wrong' winners today?

if i wasnt so swamped up at work i would have given them a piece of my mind. it's ridiculous really. it's like giving somebody a birthday present and then taking it back the next day. and don't get me started on that gossip writer from the star. she has a section in the star rage on celebrity gossip. anyways, i joined an online contest where you guessed the celebrity or some shit like that and wahseh, i got all the answers right (E! why don't you hire me already?!) and won myself 2 movie tickets. got the email to send in my address. replied the email. 6-8 months later? i'm still waiting. in between then and now i sent in an email asking her where my tickets are and no reply. professional.

so i suppose i have something to learn here. don't do unto others what you dont want done unto you.

looks like it'll be another busy day tomorrow.

cause everyone has something to say on this perfect 10 day

2010-10-10T21:59:00.003+08:00

while others are busy getting married on this day of 101010, i was busy staying put in one place and just sitting still. i didnt have to rush for a dateline or reply an email or photocopy documents. all i had to worry about was food and what dvd to watch next. i didnt even have to worry about my phone ringing from customers who are clearly paranoid about something that could wait till monday. but i digress. this day of sunday, 10 october 2010 was a perfect day. so perfect, i'm getting the monday blues before monday rolls in :(

i watched 3 movies today and one of them made it into my favourite list. before the film ended too!

chocolat starring juliette binoche and johnny depp.

everything in it was...delectable!

sexy.

i want to learn how to make chocolate and then open my own chocolaterie.

sneaky sneaky

2010-10-06T22:33:00.003+08:00

3 months and a week ago, i went through a major change. once again, i'm back where i started. new location. new people. new system. it's the same old same old yet different. i told myself that i shouldnt get too comfortable in my comfort zone and obviously i didnt listen to my own advice. nevertheless, good change. new lessons to be learned. i'm looking at the same things differently now.

conclusion. i'm changing. i'm upping my game, homie.

please note that i didnt quit my job. i'm still employed by the same employer, only difference is the location. i just thought i should i have a disclaimer incase some of you wanted to toast/console me wtf.

this is too good to not share. parking in DU absolutely sucks. it's so bad they double park everywhere that it's now legal!

no. i made that up but it sure does feel like it.

being the law abiding citizen that i am *proud wtf* i parked in a proper yellow box. at about 3pm, i had to go out and there i find my car blocked by a another car and to make matters worst, i couldnt get into the driver's seat cause a green motorcycle was blocking my way. FTS i couldnt get access into my car to honk the two bastards who were blocking me! i wanted to phyically move the bike away but was afraid doing so would break my nails. so i went to the passenger seat and sat there and honked away.

bloody hell. the driver of the car blocking me was standing by his car the whole time doing gawd knows what under the bloody hot sun and there i was sweating my fats away and he didnt hear or see me?! only when the guy who drove the green bike came running out of the '4 ekor' shop did the man behind take note and commented 'eh, your car is it? i didnt see the driver so i didnt know you want to come out'.

PLUS the bike owner even said 'you mau keluar ar?' bloody hell do i look like i'm enjoying myself in the car in this weather?! if i did i would be in a sauna forcing my fats to seep out through my open pores not in a car that's trapping heat.

my mouth hung open WIDE and i stared at him and then gave him a firm handshake.

day four: seven things that cross your mind alot

2010-09-30T23:50:00.002+08:00

1) i should really complete the ten day blog posts.

2) what car should i buy?

3) i want a pair of high waisted pants, damnit!

4) i'm here to get ahead. anything else can go drown themselves in their misery.

5) where's my daisy?

6) how do terrible traffic jams on a highway occur?

7) why is the nasi lemak stall NOT open?!! it's been 3 days >:(

they made me drive s-l-o-w-l-y

2010-09-25T18:25:00.006+08:00

am i the only one who is able to get lost even with a gps? i think so. i followed the directions to a T. ok, well almost. and yet, i was quite far off from the location FTS. in fact i was on the opposite side wtf. with the gps, you would think it would eliminate the need to ask for directions. well, today, i've proven that wrong. i had to ask for directions TWICE!

and when i did find the location, i missed the turning when i turned my head and saw the big sign. i can only count my blessings cause i made a turn that wasn't supposed to be made and parked super illegally. i was against the flow of traffic.

RAN to the exam hall and thankfully they weren't strict with the lateness! otherwise i would have cried. i almost did when i made the 1354th wrong turn! in the exam hall, all i could think of was "shit i parked wrongly! shit how am i going to drive out later? shit shit shit" fuck this shit.

never ever rely on the gps. EVER.

day three: eight ways to win your heart

2010-09-19T22:32:00.003+08:00

1) grey's anatomy.

2) men who dress well. being a man is not an excuse for poor dressing.

3) bridget jones diary.

4) men who smell nice. that deep musky smell (i don't think i'm describing it correctly but it's that nice musky masculine cologne!)

5) a bottle of desperado's.

6) hokkien mee.

7) bubble tea.

8) marc jacobs the stam.

my motherland

2010-09-19T13:06:00.008+08:00

stumbled upon this video whilst blog hopping. this video truly brought a smile to my face. where else in the world can one person speak in so many different languages and in different accents as well? even when i was in the states and i did the stereotypical blonde talk, my dear american friend was so shocked and amazed that he went slightly ballistic. i almost wanted to become a professional impersonator with such encouragement from him but in my motherland, we exist in every nook and corner. so i scratched that thought.

but this video absolutely takes the cake. nobody else would have understood what he was saying. the little nuances like the head shaking and the hand gestures to the pronunciation of the 'R' in typical cina fashion, it was pure delight!

even the newspaper ad tickled me! i couldnt help exclaiming 'look at that! how cute!'

digi ad taken from here cos google image failed me :(

i got all warm and fuzzy when i saw this ad. yes, i'm sentimental like that.

this reminds me of an incident in london when me, J and Lips were in the bus. we were standing and talking in our typical motherland language when this lady came up to us and asked if we were malaysians. she said she could recognize a fellow countrymen from the way we spoke. now i thought that was super cool. sure, we asians all lookalike but once we open our mouth, we'll know! even when i was in the airport taking taking the transit train to the terminal in orlando airport, i stood next to a malaysian couple (this was cos the lady was wearing a tudung but that's beside the point). they turned to me and asked if i was malaysian? YES! another countrymen! we are all over the damn globe and yet we're easily spottable a mile away. how frickin' awesome is that? even when i was working in SeaWorld, i met a malaysian couple from New York and now we're facebook friends and still keeping in touch :)

manglish should be the national language, i say! now wouldn't that be cool to be able to have our very own language where only people from the motherland can understand?

happy belated malaysia day!

day two: nine things about yourself

2010-09-18T15:55:00.006+08:00

1) i can't light a lighter. somehow the thumb being super near to the fire gives me the impression i'll burn my entire hands off.

2) will spend my last spare change on beer. true story.

3) cant put on nail polish properly on my fingernails. and when a professional does it, it'll be botched up barely an hour later. why do i even bother?

4) i am a junkie for romance. but find myself becoming cynical now. noooooooo! give me back my idealism!

5) i cant side park. i blame the driving school for putting poles and making me count them when i side park.

6) when i'm tired and sleepy, i get cranky.

7) can finally ride a bicycle.

8) eats alot when i'm pms-ing.

9) i love quirky things.

day one: ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

2010-09-17T00:12:00.003+08:00

1) i would like to buy a one way ticket to san francisco.

2) love ya!

3) let's go somewhere nice.

4) what's for dinner?

5) i want another day off.

6) can you jailbreak my ipod touch?

7) have a safe trip and come home in one piece!

8) can i take unpaid leave?

9) i don't know what i want.

10) here, i quit.

committed

2010-09-16T01:17:00.000+08:00

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

out with the blank spaces

2010-09-11T00:57:00.003+08:00

everytime i log into blogger.com, the new template bubble ALWAYS pops up! and everytime i see it, i ignore and go straight to new posts. this time however, i did something way out of my usual routine and paid the price for it.

i've got myself a pretty blue sky and green green grass. i don't know why i had to say green twice.

so pretty i want to sing the hills are alive like the sound of music.

but i shall refrain from doing so for another day.

i wanna do something different. i feel motivated to do something different.

watch this space.

the childish things we do

2010-09-08T22:00:00.003+08:00

sometimes, in a roomful of adults, i feel like a kid with the special invitation to sit at the adult's table. sipping wine like a grownup with my legs swinging back and forth. excitement bubbling.

then, it dies down as the night goes on.

serious conversation slowly takes a turn into an all to familiar territory. seems that no matter the 'age' group, grownups or young ones, the things we say and talk about goes into the same territory. like a tennis ball that bounces from one side of the court to the other. grownups move between the two. as do young ones trying to be all adult-like.

and then there are the unreasonable ones. pointing fingers like how we used to in kindergarten. we point and we cry.

being all grownup doesn't mean we know everything. it just means we're still kids, in better clothing and higher heels. we're constantly growing up but ultimately, we're all wishing we're 16 years old.

Hurts - Wonderful Life

2010-09-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

HURTS - Wonderful Life (Official new version) [HQ] from skateshop berlin on Vimeo.

i am a very stylish video clip.

makes me feel lazy

2010-08-28T00:08:00.002+08:00

for the first time in 2 months, i remember how it feels like to bum. suddenly, i feel like i'm a kid again. waking up anytime. with nothing to do but breathe and watch the world go by.

channel surfed and took a nap! a nap, how i miss thee so. naps are like distant memories. now, i will have to hide out in the ladies if i wanted to shut my eyes for a minute!

despite waking up late in the afternoon, i could still take a nap! talk about being a sloth.

i can't wait for the next public holiday!

is a natural woman

2010-08-22T22:17:00.001+08:00

i always thought he was the cute one in 30 rock from the sun. he still is :P

who are we to be emotional?

2010-08-18T22:02:00.006+08:00

i dont want this state of being that i'm in to fade away. from being at an absolute low point to a moderate high, my perspective looks a lil' clearer now. before this, it was a hazy blur. being THAT lost can really give you a kick in the behind! i wouldnt wish that on anyone but i think this is what they call part of growing up.

life, oh life!

look in my face

2010-08-18T00:20:00.002+08:00

today, i had myself a really good day :)

so don't rain on my parade.

it's a lil' bit dangerous but

2010-08-15T02:11:00.004+08:00

i need know what i want in a world that constantly changes. one moment, i believe that i can do the impossible. and the next i'm free falling. this constant pull in opposite directions is enough to make my world spin. and i'm dizzy and nauseous already. the only way to beat it is maybe to excel in it. put on a thicker skin. be devoid of emotions for now. don't let things be personal. after all, it's only a business transaction that we're after. why let things be so attached to me? detach myself from it. look in from the outside.

in a nutshell; suck it up.

the benefit of mr kite.

2010-08-13T21:40:00.004+08:00

he spills coffee on the sidewalk. he looks at his empty styrofoam cup. he half turns then changes his mind and looks at his empty cup once again. spilt caffein spells fuck. my. life. that was his last 5 dollars and it was supposed to last him the whole day. the coffee. not the 5 dollars. coffee alone can sustain the man. he tosses the styrofoam cup away into the bin and walks off. looks at his watch. fuck, it's 8.56. no coffee. he couldn't decide which was worst. that his girlfriend of 7 years doesn't want to marry him or that his best friend of 20 years was cheating on his sister. on a normal day. hell, i'll even call it perfect day, the thought of what lies ahead seems bearable. with coffee in his bloodstream. it was a like drug. no mornings can go by without a sip of that dark liquid. nothing but the darkness and aromatic smell of a cup of coffee from the corner coffee joint to make a man feel like he just had his best fuck. don't tell his girlfriend that. 7 years and the 7 year itch starts to surface. he might just have unprotected sex with the stranger he met in the club last week. they were firm. he didnt need to touch them to know. it was written all over her face. she was hunting. he wasnt. damn. what was i thinking? 7 years and she didnt want to settle. just yet, she says. his wallet, empty save for a picture of him and the woman he loves and a maxed out credit card.

the sidewalk stained from the coffee that spilleth from the styrofoam cup washed clean by the drizzling rain. he curses.

just like magic, without the mushrooms.

2010-08-10T23:23:00.003+08:00

and i am back to normal. default mode wtf. i have to say, i went a bit cuckoo the past few days. no idea what came over me but i think i have kinda settled down a bit now. i needed the option of knowing that i could get out anytime and not have to settle. wow, does that make me commitment-phobic? i hope not. i go around the whole world giving off vibes that i am very easily committed but in the end i'm actually not. then my whole life would have been a TOTAL lie +____+ how will i tell my unborn children this one day?! dont say anything? then one lie leads to another wtf. and the world still keeps spinning. gravity is still pulling us down. i digress.

despite me saying that i am okay now, i can only take this okay-ness temporarily because what i'm doing now is temporary. i'm not gonna make this a permanent fixture in my life. no. if anything, this is one step into another and then, BIG TIME FAME AND FORTUNE MUAHAHAHAHA!

you'll never know. nobody will but that's okay. to know that my problems, no matter how big i make them out to be, is in fact, a speck of dust that i can swat off.

this is me, swatting that damn dust away.

poof.

sprinkle some fairy dust to make the pain and tears go away. abracadabra. beeppity boppity boo. pumpkin turns to a horse-drawn carriage. one fine day, my dear...one fine day.

junk in the trunk.

2010-08-09T22:05:00.002+08:00

needs to get out of this funk. i think i might be digging a hole that i cant get out of.

cruise control

2010-08-06T22:22:00.002+08:00

lately, there's been some complications. things were moving along fine. i'm going 90km/h and then from out of nowhere (blindspot wtf) this other option is moving along side me at 60km/h. now, i have to rethink the structure and possibly pave a new road. now listen here, it took me quite some time to actually move at the speed that i'm moving now. here i am slowly gaining confidence and then this moves into view and i'm forced to look at it and make way for it to cut into my lane. don't you hate options? don't you wish that you were just told what to do from birth so complications like this don't arise?

know your destiny. know your fate. know your path.

sounds like something spiderman's uncle would say. "with great power comes great responsibilities".

am i even in the right path? i'm beginning to see a pattern here. staying in this path, i may very well be here for life. deviate now and i might just find greener pastures. or not. see, this is where complications arise from. i'm at a crossroads.

i can only take comfort in the fact that i am still young. any mistakes now i can blame on my youth. but what's the mistake that i'm willing to make? i've already made one before. if it wasn't for self-sabotage, i might be in the right path. but there's no right or wrong. there's only what's right or what's wrong for me. so akhirnya, it's all down to me anyways. no one else. i am the one driving anyways. crash or smooth-sailing depends on me. my shoulders can't take it. my legs are turning to jelly. can't even think anymore.

where are the days where i can just cruise? jalan-jalan tak endahkan apa-apa.

bordering on vulgar.

2010-08-02T21:36:00.003+08:00

my mother pointed out a job ad to me today, paying a ridiculous amount of money.

rm57,000

a month!

that is an obscene amount of money!

your silence is slowly killing me. oh yeah.

2010-07-28T21:13:00.002+08:00

the month of july is coming to an end. this also marks the one month of me stepping foot into new territory AND surviving! people ask me how is work and the only thing i can say is 'so far so good'. because really, so far all is good. i am literally fish out of water. aiming to be in this one industry and then turning 180 into another direction. life is funny that way. i moved along thinking i knew what i wanted and working towards that but then comes a curveball from my blindside and i'm swept up in the current. i can only thank the BIG MAN up in the heavens because He has been looking out for me and guiding my way through and through. it's not all peaches and creams though cause there are days i find myself questioning what in the world am i doing here? the thought of quitting has come to mind many times but only for a moment. i've turned down a pretty good offer once without even giving it a chance to develop and i'm living in the aftereffects of it now. so no fucking way am i giving up so easily. sure, i feel like screaming and kicking and punching but the urge goes just as quickly as it comes.

like today.

wasn't exactly a top-notch day. today, i question myself, do i truly belong here? i never got an answer. cause there isn't one. we don't ever truly belong. we move. we float. we fly. we swim. we tread along dangerous waters. walking on the edge of a cliff. i can be one or the other, so what's to hold me down and tie me up? i feel like sometimes, life is overrated. i don't want to be all philosophical or critical about life but there are days when i wonder why we do the things we do? why is it so simple for some to move through life. living isn't easy but the journey that takes us through it...priceless. mastercard, hire me already wtf.

i was a little frustrated and a little annoyed, now i'm just tired and drained.

copa cabana

2010-07-26T21:57:00.002+08:00

a weekend away from the city was just what i needed. to be away from the familiar. but not like i was entering into the unknown. going back there brought me back to the year before when i was still an undergraduate. but nothing more shall be said. what happens on the island stays on the island.

last year, i was learning to ride a bicycle. this year, i was cycling on my own to the town center albeit with a few hiccups here and there. i've got the bumps to prove it and it's not a pretty sight :(

i also rode on a banana boat for the first time! honestly, i was quite terrified at first. the thought of falling of the boat was enough to make me pee in my pants! then when the 'fall' came, i was like that wasn't so bad. sure, i had sea water in my eyes, mouth and nose but that's okay. i am now macho-fied wtf.

all the fun stuff was great and all but what struck me most was that, there's actually plenty to see and do right here. in the country. we went island hopping and i saw these natural rock formations that had rocks looking like a turtle, an elephant and a crocodile! dude, what's the Stonehenge or the Colliseum compared to this? i kid, i kid. they are two different things but all i'm saying is, take a weekend off and just drive to another state or take a ferry to an island. the island hopping activity was me being a tourist in my own country and it felt really nice to know that we have things to see and do too.

even looking from the outside into the luxury hotel made me feel that much more determined to earn enough to spend 1,500 ringgit for a night in that luxurious hotel. that or a night or two in the four seasons in langkawi. now that's living the life! no backpacking and budget nonsense. lifestyle upgrade, yo!

true blood season 3 is back :D i am torn between watching it online or watching it on hbo. wtf of course i'm not torn! online ftw rah rah rah. and i find it ridiculously funny that our local radio stations have to cut/censor the word 'whiskey' in Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. the word is just mashed up but we ALL know that they're saying the word 'whiskey'. what idiots!

sunshine through my window

2010-07-24T01:12:00.002+08:00

got myself a great parking spot.

had me some chee cheong fun for breakfast. got some loose ends tied up nicely. had me some good food for dinner. got mail and in it was free stuff teeheehee!

awesome possum day today.

have my cake and eat it too.

2010-07-22T22:35:00.002+08:00

some days, i just want to be left alone. do my own thing. watch a movie on my own. eat by myself in a restaurant and just not have to make conversation. just me and a book in a quiet corner where i can look up and watch the world go by. to be alone sometimes is the one thing we find hard to do but sometimes it's good for the soul.

sometimes it's so chaotic out there. and everything is just a blur. i need a moment of clarity. for that moment to just hit pause for a minute or two and then things can resume to the way they were. one moment of peace and tranquility and just silence and me alone with my thoughts. to make a little sense of what is going on. to know that i'm going the right way but even if it's the wrong way, it's okay. there's always a junction or the U-turn. but things move forward. time still moves on. days are counted down.

and we continue doing the things we do.

i think i'm just itching for it to be the end of the month. but i suppose it's that time of the month where all the senses are a little whacked out. the joys of being a woman.

for the love of films

2010-07-19T23:53:00.005+08:00

i have hopes of one day making my own film because of you.

i have a grown a little love for local films and i HAVE seen more local films because of you. i even wrote my paper on a local movie which left such an indelible mark on me.

i appreciate films a little much more because of you. some of my favourite films came out of your class.

tiny effects you left in my views and ideas will be forever carried on.

the little knowledge i had about filmmaking was expanded in your class. storyboarding and scriptwriting left me wanting more. inspired to make my own film.

thank you, ben. you are what a university experience should be like. igniting that hidden passion.

thank you.

may you rest in peace.

this is how i roll

2010-07-15T22:14:00.003+08:00

when driving on the highway during peak hours, i came to realize that driving in the middle lane is faster compared to the fast lane. why is that so? to be honest, i don't understand why jams even occur in the first place!

cars are aplenty every hour of every day. but somehow or rather it's just slower and much more snail-paced than necessary during peak hours. and there's no particular reason for it cause after a 101 km of crawling along the highway, there's this sudden gap where cars can suddenly fly by! amazing like magic.

yeah sure, you can argue that it's jam during peak hours cause there's a higher percentage of cars on the road but it's a bloody straight road! and sure, there are exits left and right but then shouldn't the jam occur only on one side if cars are exiting on their respective sides?

NO. of course not. drivers like to cut in from the other lane when they are an inch away from the exit hence blocking the smooth flow of traffic. no driving ethics at all. if everyone played their part then jams wouldn't occur. then there would be no peak hours and traffic jams. even the word traffic jam is flawed wtf. traffic jam would imply that there's a traffic light somewhere, anywhere in order for there to be a traffic jam. highways don't have traffic lights! oh wait, i suppose the bloody red and green lights above them toll booths are considered to be one wtfwtf.

my other vice with driving is that of the motorcyclists. this is mainly on the main roads but i don't discount the highways cause somehow or rather they're there anyways despite having their own lane on the far left. they are like flies and i imagine myself to be the fly swatter. very annoying when i want to cut into the next lane. not only do i have to look out for the cars, i have to look out for them motorcyclists too and they come in droves. ZOOM ZOOM ZOOMING by you. want to cut into the next lane already but at the far back you can see this tiny figure on two-wheels looming closer and closer. you think you can make it in time to squeeze ahead of the car but that bike is just speeding in. then you waste that opportunity to squeeze in and thus have to continue crawling in your respective lane, awaiting once again for the next opportunity to cut into the next lane with your fingers crossed this time, please don't let there be a bike zooming by!

but being a tolerant driver, i control. anger management and yoga breathing exercises wtf. i kid. i have no road rage although there are times i wish to drive like them drivers in those video games where i can ram into the back of the car in front of me and laugh evilly like this, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

that'd be one less thing to do in my lifetime.

but despite my rant, i do enjoy driving. especially driving alone with good music playing in the background. and sometimes i especially like driving in the rain! somehow, it's very soothing and relaxing to watch the rain water splash and then swooshed away by the wipers. but most of all, i like the sound of rain and thunder. but those sound better when i'm under my comforter in bed with the lights turned off in the night skies.

what's best is what i saw after the rain;

i got really excited when i saw the rainbow! it's been awhile since i last one so i immediately whipped out my camera which was conveniently located on my lap. boys and girls if you're reading this, don't send SMSes when driving and use a handsfree when driving but only when stuck in the jam cause you're mostly crawling on the road otherwise DON'T even think of using your phone! it's been said talking on the phone when driving is the same as drunk driving. you're not concentrating on the driving anymore. VERY DANGEROUS! end of community service message.

seeing that rainbow made my day :)

Ned. vs. Esp.

2010-07-11T21:45:00.001+08:00

last match!

imma go to bed now and wake up early. for realz, yo!

gerhana

2010-07-08T22:38:00.003+08:00

during dinner, i was telling my mother that eclipse is showing today. she says no. it's showing on the 11th. i said, 'do you want to bet with me that eclipse is showing today?'.

she hesitated.

AH-HA! not confident, eh?

we dropped the subject.

after dinner, i was flipping through the papers and came across the eclipse poster with a big header at the bottom SHOWING NOW. i pointed it out to my mother. 'NAHHHHH...SEE!'

o_O

i thought you were talking about the sun/moon eclipse! how i know you were talking about the vampire/werewolf?

+____+

booyeah!

2010-07-08T18:25:00.003+08:00

2.29AM i snoozed till 3AM.

15 minutes of first half baby. if you placed your bets and won, you can give yourself the satisfaction of knowing that paul the octopus is not the only one who can predict.

netherlands ftw.

'hi, are you awake?"

2010-07-07T21:11:00.004+08:00

i had a fml moment today.

it's world cup season now. semifinals going on. gung-ho me wanted to watch the Netherland vs. Uruguay match. so i set my alarm for 2.30AM. of course, it rings. and of course, in deep slumber i was 'fuck it, i need my sleep' and shut the alarm off. then came the vital alarm ring. my 6AM wake up call. of course, i snoozed it. and the next rings after snoozing it. final wake up call came from my mother* at 7.20AM. FML.

*yes, my mother called me through the phone. one of the wonders of technology.

i woke up late not because i was watching the match but because i woke up too many times to snooze the damn alarm.

seriously. only ridiculous things like this can happen to me.

but i am going to be optimistic and take something from this. now i know that if push comes to shove, i can get ready in 10minutes. from jumping out of bed in total and absolute shock to being presentable for work. and if that's not good enough news, i also managed to get to KL in time, leaving my house at 7.45AM!

tell me laa, how am i not a rockstar after this? if i can fit everything into my luggage and drag it down the stairs in York and get to KL in time for my training at 8.45AM, i should have my name in the rock&roll hall of fame already!

ps: i am going to push my luck tonight. i definitely want to watch the germany vs spain match so i will head to bed before 10PM i swear and wake up at 2AM, suit up and watch the match. sleep on the couch and dash to work at 7AM. is that a PLAN or what? i is brilliant.

pss: we'll see how it goes. place your bets wtf.